So. I’ve gone and had a baby, and then I disappear from civilization.
No, not really. Well, sort of.
To be very, very frank (cos that’s how we rock on this blog), I have been struggling with motherhood. And most of the time, I am so overwhelmed and exhausted that the thought of blogging never, ever crossed my mind.
It started when Aidan was almost three weeks old. He suddenly stopped sleeping in the day, no matter what we did. My mama and I would rock, walk, sing, cuddle him and sometimes he would drift off to sleep. And when he did, it was only for 30 minutes or so and he would wake up a complete crankypants. And then we would have to repeat the entire cycle of soothing him again. And if he didn’t sleep well in the day, he would get overtired come nightfall and be a total screaming grouch for hours on end. We would then take two, sometimes three, hours putting him to sleep. And when he finally slept, he would fuss and cry throughout the night. To make things worse, I absolutely have not been able to nap in the day, no matter how exhausted I am.
Can you blame me for being tired?
There are some days when I would ring up husband in tears, telling him that I have absolutely no idea what the heck I am doing and that I am a terrible mother because I don’t know what the baby needed. And then there are days when I would wonder why motherhood doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s not postpartum depression, thankfully, but I just felt like this was something I could not cope with. Every evening, I would sit in the living room and wait for husband to get home because I felt so lonely with an angry baby grizzling by my side.
It’s gotten better and it’s all thanks to my mother. After my confinement period ended, she had to go back to her full time job of looking after my nephew. Rather than sit alone at home and despair of ever figuring out the kid, I decided to pop over to her place for a sanity break. At least I would be fed and have time to shower with her around. Plus, the nephew is such an amusing source of entertainment.
The good thing is, I have sort of established a pattern of Aidan’s sleeping habits. He doesn’t nap well in the morning but come afternoon, he could definitely sleep for at least a 45-minute cycle. If I am diligent and catch him before the cycle ends, he could go on for another hour or more. Of course, I am doing all the things that parenting books warn against: nursing/rocking/walking/holding baby to sleep. But at this point in time, I am just doing anything that gets my kid to sleep. Eventually, he would sort himself out.
In the meantime, I am gradually getting used to this motherhood gig and I am crossing my fingers that it will get easier and I will get better at it.