The organised chaos


Sometimes, I really wonder if I have the energy to go out and do the whole socialising thing all over again. As I sit on my bed just thinking about getting to know new people and starting new friendships, I get a headache. In fact, I don’t really want to think about it.

I know this is the wrong attitude but it got me thinking: Do human beings have an expiry date?

Sure, I am only 22 but it feels as if I am 22 going on 70. I feel as if I am way past my sell-by date and am going to be chucked into the bin sooner or later. What’s worse is that I don’t think I will really put up a fight if I really get trashed somewhere.

Why am I suddenly so tired? Is cynicism setting in? Or is it fear that’s stopping me? Why has my confidence taken such a dive into the dark and murky depths?

As I walked through the streets today with my best friend, we both realised that of all the men we saw, we fancied none of them. We did not see a single man whom we felt we could or wanted to connect with, let alone lust after. We were just not interested. In short, as Carrie would say, there was no zsa zsa zsu.

But then again, Min explained that to connect with someone, you need to first want to connect with someone. Was I pulling myself back into a shell so that I could avoid doing the social round? Or could it be, as she pointed out, that I needed someone exceptional to draw me out of my vulnerable and reticient shadow? To her, I wouldn’t and couldn’t settle for anything lesser – I needed someone really special in order to get through my insecurities to truly get to me.

Maybe this is so.
Perhaps I just need to gather the least remaining shreds of self-belief and start anew.
And I could then fight my impending expiry date.