Throw in Mr Incredible’s very square jaw:
and Edna Mode’s very funky hairdo:
and you’ll get a very swollen me:
I look downright miserable and rightly so too.
This, my friends, is how I look like after my surgery. While the rest of my body withers away due to the lack of food, my face is ever expanding. I look like a blardy chipmunk. Yippee yee doo.
I don’t even know why I am uglifying myself in my own blog. This is absurd.
Anyway, the whole surgery came and went in a dizzying manner.
I was at the hospital at 10.30am but only entered the operating theatre at 1pm. Apparently some stupid girl was late and held up the queue. She finally showed up just before I went into the OT.
Before I went in, the nurse shoved something up my nose and squirted some disgusting anaesthesia down my throat. It made my eyes water and my breathing constricted. Following that, I walked into the OT and was told to lie down. The nurse then strapped my legs and my arms down, making me feel as if I was in an asylum. She hooked me up to the blood pressure machine and then the GA guy started twacking at the back of my hand to plump up the vein. Before I knew it, the needle connected to the drip was plunged into my skin and my whimpers of “owwww” went unnoticed. He gave me the oxygen mask and told me to “get a good sleep”. I blinked a couple of times and then….
I was floating in a sky filled with changing colours – red, purple, orange….
“Yann, the surgery is over,” said someone from somewhere far away. Whatever, I continued floating around.
“Yann,” the bossy voice rang out insistently. I opened my eyes and came to two realisations: the first was that there was something in my mouth which I was biting on and second, the theatre was cold. My whole body was shivering and my legs kept jerking. I was wheeled back to my recovery ward and told to sleep off the GA.
What a joke. How could I sleep when the stupid girl (the one who was late and somehow ended her surgery earlier than me) next to me kept buzzing for the nurse and asking for milo and the works? Anyway, my body felt like lead, I couldn’t even move to a more comfortable position so in the end, I just stared up the ceiling.
The motherly nurse came in to see how I was doing and told me to spit out the guaze that I was biting on. It was gross, all full of blood. My mouth was filled with bloody saliva, which I was instructed to swallow. Yeeks. Blood is definitely an acquired taste, I don’t think I would fare very well as a vampire. My right jaw started hurting and the doctor offered to give me a jab but I declined hastily. Another injection, are you crazy? I quickly changed so that I could get out of the place. But first, I had to pay the bills, which came up to a whopping $640.00. My bank account is so busted but on the plus side, I earned a lot of points for my debit card.
I was still feeling the effects of the GA when I left. I felt groggy and spacey and couldn’t walk in a straight line, prompting the boyfriend to joke that I was walking like a marbok* person. Thanks. He was very interested in taking photos too, that ingrate. But all was forgiven when he dispatched himself to get me an assortment of soft foods, ranging from Milo to yoghurt. Up to today, nothing has passed through my lips except for Milo, yoghurt, Ribena and porridge.
But it’s okay, for I am currently Queen of the household. Anything I want, I get. Ho ho ho, Christmas came late for me.