The organised chaos

How to get your boyfriend to lose weight

I am the expert in such matters.
No, I am the expert in such matters.
After five long years, I have, more or less, become the mistress of forceful poking and gentle persuasion. Just don’t ask me for the results. Ask him.

1. Make a bet with him
See, all men hate losing. When they play Halo2, they must kill their enemies with all sorts of violent methods. As if that is not enough, they must kill their enemies five times within a game. And that is still not enough. They must capture the enemies’ flag or gain the hill (whatever that means). In soccer, they writhe and dodge just so they can finally put the damn ball into the back of the opponents’ net. Then, they will chop your ankles between their studded soccer boots so that you cannot put the ball into the back of their nets.

My point is, make a bet with him that he cannot refuse and he will try his best to win. Especially when winning benefits him both ways.

2. Be subtle
That means that openly screaming “you fat bastard!” in the middle of Orchard Road is a no-no. Neither is thrusting the Annan or Expressions advertisements into his face allowed. Do not shove and nudge him every time the two of you walk past a slimming salon. When his Halo character tries to jump up onto a platform but falls into a deep abyss and dies instead, do not make wisecracks like “gee, you are too fat to make that jump”.

Subtlety means putting your arms around his waist and saying sweetly, “Wow, is that love handles I am holding on to?”. Subtlety means avoiding words like “fat” and “pig” and replacing them with “tubby” and “bear”. Subtlety means punching his tummy and then yelping out in mock fear, “Oh no! My hand is trapped within your stomach!”

3. Motivate him
If you want him to lose weight by going jogging, you must first make yourself an example. Get up at 7am every morning to pound on the tarmac and he will naturally be inspired.

I mean, if you can haul your bony buns off your bed to collide with old ladies who refuse to give way to you each time you meet at the little roundabout near your place, so can he and his bountiful bum.

4. Praise him
When he really moves his ass and goes running, you must be full of encouragement. Say things like, “So sexy!” or “Wow, I am so proud of you!” and mean it.

Do NOT, however, eye his body meaningfully while flipping through a copy of Men’s Health and say, “You’re never going to look like this, aren’t you?” It’s demoralising, even if you really believe it so.

Do NOT, also, reward his efforts by bringing him out to dinner at KFC. It’s pointless. If he whines and insists that KFC is his favourite food, poke him in the stomach to make your point clear. And if he still refuses to budge, slap his tummy duly.

5. Do not nag
It’s a universal maxim: we all hate it when people nag. You tune out when your mum tells you to clean your pigsty of a room. You are irritated when someone gives you a set of instructions and then keep watching and correcting you as you perform your tasks.

So the worst thing you can do is to keep bugging him, day in day out: “Did you go jogging? Did you go jogging? Did you go jogging?” And when he responds in the negative, refrain from screaming hysterically, “Why? Why you so like that?”

Instead, keep cool and calm and say, “Oh are you going tomorrow then?” Then pat his tummy meaningfully, regretfully but silently.

If all of the above fail, the it’s time to buy him a pack of Cambridge diet or Extrim for his birthday to get the message through his thick skull.

He jogged!
Mmm….manly man who went jogging….I like….