Month: December 2005

And good riddance too, I might add.

2005 has been a positively bizarre roller-coaster ride for me. Up and down, up and down, up and down, much like the rickety Lethal Weapon ride I took while in Movie World at Brisbane, Australia. It felt as if I will always be the source of things that are opposite to serene. There was a point in time when my life was going swimmingly well and I actually stopped and thought to myself, “Gee, this is too good to be true. I have nothing to complain about, nothing!” And well, before I knew it, the ride began again. I am a clairvoyant, I tell you.

Here are some highlights of my life thus far, in this year.

January
Worked up my courage, aided by Jiahui, to go for my wisdom teeth extraction operation, just a week before my birthday. Ended up looking like a very square-jawed cheekchipmunk, very ugly indeed.

February
Officially signed a pact with he-who-is-my-boyfriend to encourage him to lose weight. If he loses 15kg before his next birthday in March, I would have to fly him to somewhere around the region on a budget airline ticket (my suggestion for this scenario: from JB to KL). If he fails, he would have to do likewise for me (my suggestion for this scenario: Australia, Vietnam, Bangkok, Hong Kong). On this last day of 2005, he has another 8kg to go before the bet concludes in exactly three months’ time, heh heh heh.

May
In the name of work, I took to the skies, flying to Sin City, Las Vegas. To my regret and disappointment, that also proved to be my last with the company, as it announced its decision to close all its publishing operations in Singapore.

July
Out of a desire to leave that blasted company, I went for an interview with one of Singapore’s biggest media company and came away astonished at its miserly ways. The London bombing threw the rest of the world into panic but at the same time, revealed a side of us that proved to be more resilient and strong-willed that we had ever expected. Terrorists shall not rule our hearts and minds with fear.

August
Victoria Chorale held our annual concert at the Esplanade Concert Hall and while it was well-received, I still wished we could have done better and more. Let’s stop being complacent singers and work for the World Choir Games in Xiamen in 2006!

October
Despite seeing my work published on the WWW, my restlessness only grew in leaps and bounds. I doubted myself and questioned my sanity. Wrong. I shall resolve to learn from my mistakes but never to question my own abilities.

November
I went on a week long journey to Cambodia, which kickstarted the change in my mindset. I loved Siem Reap, from its dusty roads to the wondrous sights of Angkor Wat to the beautiful children. I didn’t want to come back to Singapore, I didn’t want the bubble to burst.

December
I ran my first marathon in a decent time and left my company, feeling relieved and free for the first time in many months.

I am brimming with positivity and optimism for 2006. It’s true that when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I have changed and I believe that I will be a happier and stronger person than before.

And so ends 2005. Farewell, 2005, you have been really full of excitement for us this year. Hello 2006! I have high expectations for you and you had better not let me down.

here’s wishing everyone a wonderful year ahead, with plenty of laugher, joy and faith!

So Christmas came and went.

I had commented to the boyfriend that this year’s festivities seem to be a little more subdued than before. The roads were less jammed with human bodies and there was just something lacking in the air. Even caroling seemed less enjoyable than before. Perhaps we were getting older.

“!(imgleft)http://static.flickr.com/9/78124973_2884f883d8_m.jpg!(From resorting to eye patches to piling on the concealor)”:http://www.flickr.com/photos/yannie/78124973/

We actually went into Christmas eve on a sour note. The two of us had a nasty fight on the eve of the eve and I had gone to bed pissed off with him for giving me grief and puffy eyes the next day (had to resort to eye patches chockful of collagen and some stuff). It was something insensitive that he had said and it sparked off a lot of laments that I had, such as his lack of initiative in applying his brains to planning dates (it’s always me saying “let’s do this” and “let’s go here”) and our seemingly non-existent future.

He gave me my present in the evening and urged me to open it but I ignored him for most part of the day, until we ended up in his house watching television in silence somehow. And then he mustered up enough courage to poke through my icy wall and I finally dignified him with a proper answer.

Initially, I had thought that he was going to present me with something like an external hard disk drive (yes, we are that sort of couple) or a DECT phone but somehow, the size of the present (which was wrapped in black plastic laundry bag, I must add) didn’t fit. I opened it and the rest is history. Shall not go into the whole sob story (literally, I think I flooded his shirt by trying to reject the gift), which revolved around “I don’t want it, you take it” to “it’s too expensive, I don’t want it”.

I am not sure why but somehow, a couple of my friends gave me mini-hell for accepting his gift eventually. They accused me of selling out, given that I had been seriously unhappy with him less than 24 hours ago, and said that I was easily bribed. I don’t understand. The things that happen between a couple remain within us, am I supposed to explain to all and sundry what conversations we had and how we had talked to clear things out? Why were they saying things like that?

It marred the whole Christmas experience a little but well, I brushed it off as nothing more than friends’ jesting. I never expected the gift, nor had I asked for it. It came as a total surprise and I only accepted it because I know what it means to him.

We then spent most of Christmas day with friends and family (mine) and I think it wasn’t any spectacular decoration or wild partying that made it a nice Christmas for us, but the love and joy we felt amongst our company.

Now, am looking forward to NYE and then hey! it’s going to be my birthday soon. Did I mention how much I love December and January?

…is You.
You are worth more than any present that I could ever ask for.
Thank you for the wonderful gift.

Merry Christmas, dear.

Through the years
We all will be together
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

This is not exactly the most photogenic picture but what the heck.

Here’s wishing everyone a very very Merry Christmas!
Hope you have been good this year and dear ‘ol Father Christmas will make your wishes come true (psst I would so lurrrrrve an iPod nano).

Oh, and do drop by Hyatt hotel if you happen to be doing any last minute shopping. We’ll be singing at 7.30pm today and 12.30pm tomorrow. =)

Hello Dad,

How have you been since I last saw you exactly 18 years ago, yesterday?

Time really flies. Then, I was just six years old, a mere slip of a girl. You went off to work and we waved goodbye to you. Then, the sista and I helped out Mum in the kitchen to make tangyuan, since it was Dong Zhi. I remember going to the NTUC with Mum and buying the pre-packed dumplings and then happily throwing them into into the dark soup that Mum loves to make with the tangyuan.

We never knew it would be the last time we would ever see you alive. The phone call came in the evening and all I can remember is Mum keeling over, her loud sobs echoing around our little flat. Before I knew it, we were all bundled into Uncle’s car and on our way to the hospital, only I didn’t know we were going to the hospital. But even then, at the age of six, I had an inkling that something was not right and started praying in the backseat of the car, the very first prayer of my life. It was for you but somehow, God didn’t seem to have hear it.

It’s really surreal but I recall walking down the corridors of the hospital, its smell and sterile environment really getting to me. As we walked, me trying to keep up with the adults, Mum suddenly burst out crying again. And try as I might, I cannot seem to remember what happened then. It’s almost as if that part of my life, those few hours, have disappeared somewhere down the black hole of my memories.

The next few days passed on by in a haze, for me at least. I didn’t know what a funeral was, I was still happily playing with my cousins at the wake, in between bouts of prayers and procedures. But I know I was scared of seeing you sleep in the coffin, all stiff and unreal. I instinctively shied away from getting near you, because it wasn’t you. The person lying there wasn’t you at all, it wasn’t the man who had cooked fried rice for me, who had washed my hair and dried it so fiercely that I whined out in pain, who had allowed me to swing like a monkey on your arm as we crossed the road, who had picked the sista and I up from school at one end of the carpark before “driving” us home to the other end. It wasn’t you there, I knew it wasn’t you.

It was only at the last day that something clicked in my mind. I don’t know why but somehow, I started bawling noisily and endlessly like a baby and suddenly, everyone around me started crying too. I was hugged and passed from one relative to another to be cuddled and calmed but I just could not stop. And then, it was gone. You were gone.

The next 10 years were probably the most difficult to live through. Every December, every Qing Ming, Mum would be overwhelmed by sorrow and there was nothing we could do but to let her cry. It was really painful. And for those years, the social, emotional and financial repercussions of your absence and lack of financial planning emerged and sometimes, the going went really tough. God knows how often I wanted to just hide and escape from the difficulty of it all. But I couldn’t.

But we have made it through and somehow, we think you would be pleased too, even as we imagine you doing rascally things like gambling and drinking and travelling in the world that you live in now. I don’t have dreams of you anymore, they have stopped since I was young. I used to dream of you and me and would wake up in tears, only to realise the dream wasn’t real.

In a way, your very absence have shaped us to be the individuals that we are today. Maybe the sista and I are a little bit tougher, somewhat more wary and vulnerable. But really, I think you would be happy to see us today. She’s going to get married soon to a very nice man who has proposed to her, and I, well, I guess I need to sit down and count my blessings more often.

Do we miss you? I don’t know. I never really had much chance to spend time with you to know what kind of impact you would have on my life. Do I wish that you were here? Yes, because I think it might have made me a better person.

I will soon turn 25 and I hope you are proud of me, of all that I have achieved. I may not be the perfect daughter with the perfect temperament and talents but I think I did okay.

I hope you think so too. Here’s to another year ahead of us, a better year.

Always your little monkey girl,
yAnn

There must have been times in your life when you have felt disappointment. It could be disappointment brought on by something which you had expected to have but fell through in the end, by thoughtlessness, angry words, complete inaction and indifference, the job which you expected to get but which went to someone else instead, whatever. The thing is, disappointment is always preceded by expectations.

Are we right to have some sort of expectations in life? Or are expectations setting ourselves up for something which we might not be able to fulfill? Or rather, are we placing ourselves and our hopes on a pedestal which the people around us cannot reach?

Three times today, I was left feeling disappointed by three different people. It wasn’t so much of anger or annoyance, but just plain….well, disappointment that plans fell through and that people didn’t seem to realise how much certain things meant to me. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel a niggling doubt about myself, wondering if my expectations were too high or if I were less than understanding. It was a conflict of differing emotions and rational thoughts, a somewhat pointless debate but one which raged in my head for a while before I called for a time out.

Instead, I holed myself up in my house, bought a sinful dinner of Long John’s Silver since mum was out, and stayed glued to the television. I rented DVDs and watched some good ‘ol Sex and the City as well as My Best Friend’s Wedding, which is one of my all-time favourites incidentally. Memories of a certain someone came back to me, someone who had made a pact with me for us to get married at the age of 30 should both of us still be single then, just like in the movie. Only now, we have lost touch and I don’t know where he is now, or how he is. I remembered the good times we shared together, the fun and laughter that we had enjoyed together as close friends, the long conversations we used to have on the telephone. But in the end, everything fell apart and to say that I was disappointed is a huge understatement. And then I remembered the tears.

But in the end, I realised that it was a good thing we never ended up together. Because when I saw him later through the eyes of a 20-year-old, as opposed to a young JC student, it hit me then that we would never have been happy together. Maybe it was the expectation that something would happen that made it all the more difficult to live through the heartbreak.

It’s probably too hard for different people to come together and reach a compromise when it comes to expectations. But is it really that hard?

I’m not quite sure. Maybe it’s because I build up my own expectations to a level which is too high for everyone else’s taste. My favourite Christmas eve was spent stuck in a jam, in a car and I had a lot of fun then. I just wish I could relive that sort of innocence and freedom, once again.