As this year draws to a close, I would like to express my gratitude to You for such a year.
Thank You for granting my mother the good health that she has come to enjoy lately. Thank You for giving the sista the job that she loves and hopefully, the man of her life too. Thank You for letting the boyfriend get the job of his dreams too. Thank You for allowing my darling little nephews grow up strong, healthy and smart.
But God, You seemed to have neglected me, somewhat. Please do not misunderstand, I am not complaining. I am just wondering why it is that You have made my life quite so complicated.
When I landed the job of my dreams, I was ecstatic. And for a few months, I was contented. I liked my work, my boss was willing to teach me the ways of the industry, my colleagues were funny and friendly and best of all, I get to do what I enjoy doing and even travel around the world. At that point of time, I had nothing to complain about. I even marveled at how I could fault at nothing.
And then, You decided to let the company close. I accepted it, understanding that with every closed door, another opens and I somehow bumbled my way into the company-that-shalt-not-be-named. But it wasn’t the job I wanted and as much as I tried to mould myself into this new role, I couldn’t fit. I hated most of it but stuck with it because I knew I needed the experience and the money. I thanked You for giving me a source of income.
But now, You seem to have other plans for me. Frankly, I am quite glad to leave the place, that I finally had the guts to say what I had always wanted to say. It didn’t feel like home, and I didn’t think I could have a future there. I tried to do my job as best as I could but I guess it was evident that my heart was never in it.
I don’t understand, I can’t see the path that You have laid out for me. Are You trying to tell me something? That I am, perhaps, not as good a writer as I thought myself to be? That I am being foolish and silly to want to find a career that I could actually enjoy? That I should take a job as just a job, just something which would pay the bills?
You know that I have never lost my belief and faith in You. You are my God, his God and his, and his, and hers too. You are everyone’s God, the One whose hands we all place our hearts in, whether we are Muslims or Hindus or Christians or Buddhists. You teach us to love, to be good people, to have faith, to be merciful and forgiving, to be strong.
But God, when it comes to Hope, I think I am running a little low. Sometimes, I wonder what it is that I am doing wrong. While You seem to smoothen others’ paths, You like to make mine just that little harder, ever since I was a little girl. I know all the cliched sayings, that what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger, time will prove everything et cetera but I am afraid I will one day fall out of this roller-coaster ride, all battered, bruised and broken.
Right now, I am looking forward to enjoying the spirit of Christmas, and to usher in a new year with all the hope and fervour that my little heart can hold. All I ask of You for the new year is to shine a light down my weary path, and let me finally build the career that never had the chance to grow.
Would You please? I’ve really been good for this past year, I even ran a marathon. Just ask my friends, my loved ones and those who read my blog.
All my love and faith,
PS To show my sincerity, here are three lovely Christmas songs:
Christmas Song by Diana Krall, from Christmas Songs
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Rockapella, from Rockapella Christmas
The Christmas Song by The Raveonettes, from Music From the O.C. Mix 3: Have a Very Merry Chrismukkah