Month: June 2006

Last week, I was tired, distressed and frustrated.
This week, I am feeling rested and calmer.

Choir was rather inspiring on Saturday, barring the Siglap Idol segment. I’ve always been terrified of singing in a tiny group to people whom I know will be judging, and I always will. That feeling of adrenaline, of my heartbeat accelerating and my breathing getting more and more shallow – I can’t seem to lose it. Is it because I was insecure about the way I sound when compared to the rest of the group? Is it because singing, then, became something of a stress trigger and not an enjoyable activity?

Maybe I will never find out. But kudos to my brudder Terr, who has been working his ass out and who has been doing such a great job. To cajole more than 30 people, most of them working adults, into producing the correct type of sound and emoting musically is a tough job that not many can handle. To date, not many conductors in the choir has succeeded. And he has.

I had my fifth (?) driving lesson today. It’s tremendous fun although my instructor thinks I am quite the hooligan. Last week, I failed to notice the markings on the road and almost didn’t stop at a T-junction in time till he hollered “stop STOP!” Then, I was so busy talking to him (he is quite the chatterbox) that I didn’t see the hump ahead until he fairly shouted, “Hump hump HUMP!” As we bounced across the hump in an undignified manner, he clutched at his seat and muttered to himself, “Aiyoh.”

Today, I made a right turn at a busy T-junction (I am beginning to sense a pattern here) and almost collided into the oncoming traffic because I over-steered. He had to lean over, grab at the steering wheel and said, “Let go let go LET GO!”

And after each of these endeavours, I would stick out my tongue and grin.

Oh, driving is such fun!

I can’t wait to pass my test and drive my pals’ cars (I can so see vk volunteering his wifey). Right, pals? You know who you are. Heh.

[Let’s play tag! driving]

There is nothing wrong, everything is just flowing along.

But I can’t remember the last time I went out on a date with my best friend, my cousin and the boyfriend. I don’t have time to get a hair cut. Because of the perpetual afternoon shifts, I’m just living a life of waking up, reading papers and then going to work. I haven’t been to the gym for a while although the pulse of the music is throbbing in my brain. I feel like a piece of driftwood, aimless and drowning. I need some me time, to have an entire day of my own with no responsibility, no exhaustion.

Time is flying by but I feel as if I am standing still, stuck in a vacuous land with no air to breathe, where glass walls show people strolling by me but they can’t see me, they move on without me as I stay rooted in one spot, trying to surface, to feed my burning lungs, to scream for them to look at me and notice me.

I need a break and I need it fast.

I want the choir to do well, and to reach there, we need to spend time and effort. It’s draining me, and yet it enriches me when we fall neatly along into the bar lines, into the passages. But it’s trying my patience, it frays my nerves into little bits and pieces that float into the air when the arid wind blows. I stomp my feet in annoyance, clench my fists in anger but I stop short of letting my voice out of my throat.

And I detest you, you, you and wish either you were gone or I was.

We want so many things in our lives and yet the things that we really need are seemingly unreachable. A spanner in the works, that’s all it takes.

Note to self: KT Tunstall, however lyrical or emotive, is not a good choice of music when one is feeling down. Can you help me go?