The organised chaos

Burnt out

There is nothing wrong, everything is just flowing along.

But I can’t remember the last time I went out on a date with my best friend, my cousin and the boyfriend. I don’t have time to get a hair cut. Because of the perpetual afternoon shifts, I’m just living a life of waking up, reading papers and then going to work. I haven’t been to the gym for a while although the pulse of the music is throbbing in my brain. I feel like a piece of driftwood, aimless and drowning. I need some me time, to have an entire day of my own with no responsibility, no exhaustion.

Time is flying by but I feel as if I am standing still, stuck in a vacuous land with no air to breathe, where glass walls show people strolling by me but they can’t see me, they move on without me as I stay rooted in one spot, trying to surface, to feed my burning lungs, to scream for them to look at me and notice me.

I need a break and I need it fast.

I want the choir to do well, and to reach there, we need to spend time and effort. It’s draining me, and yet it enriches me when we fall neatly along into the bar lines, into the passages. But it’s trying my patience, it frays my nerves into little bits and pieces that float into the air when the arid wind blows. I stomp my feet in annoyance, clench my fists in anger but I stop short of letting my voice out of my throat.

And I detest you, you, you and wish either you were gone or I was.

We want so many things in our lives and yet the things that we really need are seemingly unreachable. A spanner in the works, that’s all it takes.

Note to self: KT Tunstall, however lyrical or emotive, is not a good choice of music when one is feeling down. Can you help me go?

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