“!(imgcenter)http://farm1.static.flickr.com/147/358239012_f0ea12cd9d_m.jpg!(Solitary boat at Krabi)”:http://www.flickr.com/photos/yannie/358239012/
After merrily calling everyone I know a wuss at some point of time in their lives, it is rather fitting that this embarrassing title gets thrown in my face. By myself.
Because suddenly, when I get what I thought I had wanted, I feel frightened and unsure.
I knew I was never going to last very long at the Big Company. Although I enjoy a good working relationship with my boss and colleagues, it wasn’t a job that I could see myself doing for the next three years. Throw in the mis-management and bullying, and the stage was basically set for me to leave.
The one thing that has made me happy is writing. While a colleague confided that writing becomes a chore for her when it is a job, the opposite is true for me. I loved my first job, I loved meeting people and knowing that everyday is different.
But after more than a year of doing nothing but churn out factory work eight hours a day, I feel rusty and socially awkward.
The tech world was easy to integrate into because it was a relatively small community and the people were often genuine and nice. But the Offer involves a lot of socialising with the creative, advertising types and yes, though it reeks of stereotyping, creative, advertising types are often not quite the genuine and nice sort.
I will need to emerge from the safe but utterly boring cocoon to go into a world where I will have mingle, dig out scoops and attend events. I won’t be able to go to the gym at 6pm, I may not be able to take up the instructor class that I had been planning to.
Can I still do it?
Another reason for this reluctance is due to the fact that I am nursing a tiny hope of receiving a call from a certain publishing house that had rejected my application three years ago when I was fresh out of school. I never applied again, till now, because I didn’t think I would have a smidgen of chance. Now, there are people on the sidelines, experienced writers themselves, urging me to try again because they think I will make a good candidate and that I shouldn’t let a past failure set me back.
But the hiring process for this company is notoriously long and I would need to make a decision on the Offer soon.
Perhaps I should seek inspiration in Steve Jobs’ now-famous Commencement speech at Stanford University: “You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”