The organised chaos

Too tired

There are some days when I feel as if I have died just a little bit and some joy in me has been sapped away by Life.

It’s a big pot of frustration, impatience, disappointment, resentment and resignation that’s stewing. It feels as if it’s going to implode and break into a million little pieces.

It doesn’t help that the disappointment was caused by my own folly and lack of thinking. Why did I put myself down so easily? Why did I not show passion and fire to fight for what it is that I wanted? Why did I let myself stumble and fall into a corner? Am I really not as good as what they think, even though I had always believed myself to be more than just mediocre?

I’ve come to understand how it feels like when a loved one is on another continent, far from communication. It’s only been two days and I’m missing him already, like a hollow ache that wouldn’t abate. I wanted to tell him how miserable I had felt yesterday, how unhappy and stressed I had been today. But all I got was a miserly text and the possibility of zero contact for the next one week.

It’s so easy to put on a smile on my face and pretend that nothing bothers me. But when I am alone, the muddy thoughts swirl in my head and nothing, not even a brief respite, can drive them away. But I have responsibilities and I need to hold my head high and carry on walking down this path of my own creation till my dues are paid.

I’m tired but I need the strength to believe that it’s all going to turn out well.