The organised chaos

Too tired

There are some days when I feel as if I have died just a little bit and some joy in me has been sapped away by Life.

It’s a big pot of frustration, impatience, disappointment, resentment and resignation that’s stewing. It feels as if it’s going to implode and break into a million little pieces.

It doesn’t help that the disappointment was caused by my own folly and lack of thinking. Why did I put myself down so easily? Why did I not show passion and fire to fight for what it is that I wanted? Why did I let myself stumble and fall into a corner? Am I really not as good as what they think, even though I had always believed myself to be more than just mediocre?

I’ve come to understand how it feels like when a loved one is on another continent, far from communication. It’s only been two days and I’m missing him already, like a hollow ache that wouldn’t abate. I wanted to tell him how miserable I had felt yesterday, how unhappy and stressed I had been today. But all I got was a miserly text and the possibility of zero contact for the next one week.

It’s so easy to put on a smile on my face and pretend that nothing bothers me. But when I am alone, the muddy thoughts swirl in my head and nothing, not even a brief respite, can drive them away. But I have responsibilities and I need to hold my head high and carry on walking down this path of my own creation till my dues are paid.

I’m tired but I need the strength to believe that it’s all going to turn out well.

3 thoughts on “Too tired”

  1. hi sweets, pls try to cheer up 🙂 sometimes we all need to just tear off the mask for a while and breathe in our own space.

    just let me know if i can be of any help ok? xx

    Like

  2. you’ve had some good news yest already, babe! it can only get better from here, i’m behind you all the way, complete with my promise of a treat at Margaritas!

    Like

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