I am assuming that You are reading this blog because I’d like to think that my God carries an iPhone and knows exactly what is being said and written at every moment in time.
To be honest, the past six months have been extremely hard on me, emotionally. I have been pulled apart by beasts (well, just one, actually) again and again, had my writing abilities trashed and my confidence kicked around. I am still in one piece, but barely. Most of the time, I exist in darkness, a place where I constantly question myself. It’s like being held forcibly underwater and only allowed to come up for those precious few seconds of air once in a while. I exist, I don’t live. The thing that I live for is now the very thing that threatens to pull me under.
Everyone tells me to be grateful that I still have a job, that I have money to pay for the mortgage and the impending furnishing of the east end. Their advice is for me to stick around, boost up my CV till the economic storm settles and then leave. My friends tell me to be strong, to grow emotionally from this experience. And I tried, God (meaning, You) knows how hard I have tried. Six long months I have been deliberating and always, always, I bow down to practicality and my bank account.
I’d like to believe that there is a purpose to this episode in my life. That I am meant to learn a lesson, that I am meant to do something meaningful. I would also like to believe that You have something else in mind for me.
I don’t know where my next step will take me but I am crossing my fingers that the closing of one door will lead to the beautiful rays of sunlight filtering in from the opening of another. It’s blind faith that’s leading my footsteps now…no, not blind faith but utmost faith.
I believe in myself. I refuse to, and shouldn’t, believe otherwise.
And I am placing my life in Your hands. I’ve finally listened to my heart, because I have been suppressing its voice all along. Please shine a light on my way and help me along. I can’t do this alone.
(PS: I have no religious beliefs although I believe in God. I hope this does not offend anyone.)