Consolation

Dear Tiny Human,

A friend once said to me, Maybe God wants you to spend more time with your husband.

I was frustrated and impatient and wondering why you were taking such a long time to be created. It was becoming a routine for me to go to bed in tears every month when the telltale sign that I was not pregnant showed up. I got miserable, resented your Dad and basically hated the world. Work, ironically, was my salvation. I could put aside my unhappiness and concentrated on something else for a good solid eight hours. But when I left the office, I went right back into the deep, dark dungeon that I had created for myself. I wanted to be alone, nobody could console me. And then I started talking to God.

You see, I am not a religious person. Well, I believe in God, clearly, it’s just that no religion fitted in with my beliefs. Anyway, I began talking to God, telling Him that I understood that everything had a time and place. And that your time would come, I just had to be patient.

Patience has never been my virtue, little one. But I think it’s true, this experience has allowed me and your Dad to grow, and be better partners to each other. I’ve learnt to open up and share my thoughts, even the negative and cruel ones. And he has, I think, learnt to be more patient with my idiosyncrasies and listen to me with no judgement or defenses.

I won’t lie to you – we have had fights and there were moments when we just could not get through to each other. I was angry and it made me question about the sanctity of marriage, and just what exactly those vows we had recited on our wedding day meant. But in the end, we pulled through, as we always do. We put aside our pride and reached out to each other. Well, honestly, he was always the one who made the first move. He was the one who pulled me in for an embrace and said a million things with that one gesture.

And so, while I would love dearly for you to be with us sooner and not later, I am grateful that along this journey, we have become better people and hopefully, better parents to you when you arrive.