Health Goddess, Two of Us

The unberable lightness of being

In Singapore, it’s hard to be married and not have anyone asking intrusive questions like “when are you having kids?” The older generation is especially guilty of it, it’s almost as if having children is our act of filial piety towards them, that we must have children because they demand it.

What these people fail to realize is that sometimes, it is not our choice to not have kids. Meaning, there is a story in the facade that we have been hiding behind, a story that we have not told and are not comfortable with telling. And these same clueless people – who are asking only because they think they have a right to – don’t realize that the story is not a happy one. When my mother-in-law went from joking about us providing her with a grandchild to making an outright declaration, it made me reluctant to want to step foot into their home again.

In the past months, we have done tests that we never thought we would have to do. We’ve been prodded and medicated, poked and jabbed. Even before we have a child, we are already spending hundreds of dollars in trying to get to the bottom of the problem. And now we are faced with the prospect of going through IUI – a procedure that would not only decrease our bank account balance but also involves more poking and prodding.

I’m not against the procedure, and neither is Mr Thick. It’s non-invasive and generally painless. It’s like, as Mr Thick joked, getting his boys to take an express train to meet my girls. And it’s a way of moving forward. There’s still a fair bit of wishing and hoping involved because success is not guaranteed. But at least we know that we are one step closer to getting what we want.

At the same time, the pessimism in me is rising. If we are successful this time, there is a high chance that I would not want to have to go through this process all over again. And if we are not successful, then the notion of undergoing IVF is looming closer and closer. And that’s another can of worms altogether.

The positive thing is, I’m still considered young and there is nothing biologically against my getting pregnant. Hopefully, the IUI goes well and that’s the end of that!