Letters to

Impediment

Dearest Tiny Human,

So many months have come and gone and I am still awaiting your arrival. I simply do not know how to feel anymore.

Oh I feel a lot. Melancholy. Sadness. Frustration. Impatience. Anger. Resentment. Jealousy. Everything churns together at the pit of my heart and sometimes it’s too much to bear. So I cry. Oh do I cry. There are so many tears that have been shed in secret in the bedroom, in the shower, on the train, in my mind. So many of them gone unseen and unnoticed by your father, and yet just as many wiped off my cheeks by him as he holds me, stroking my back in a desperate bid to sooth my sobs.

There’s so much anger in me these days that I sometimes cannot recognise myself. I am mad at my in-laws for automatically assuming that the reason(s) why you are still not with us arise from me. I am so mad at myself for not living the life that I had envisioned. I am so mad at the universe for always, always throwing a spanner in the works when it seems that, for once, things are going my way.

I hope that in your life, you will never have to face the struggles that I have had to go through. I know this is unrealistic, especially given that you are not even made yet. But my dearest, when you meet with such setbacks, please do not be like your mother and bottle it all up.

Talk it out. Rationalise. Come to a compromise and, more importantly, an understanding. Because, really, there is nothing better than to be able to confide to someone who will always be there for you, no matter how ugly you may think your thoughts are. It may be your parents, it may be the life partner that you have chosen, it may be your best friend – doesn’t matter, just talk.

And please, my love, do not ever think about running away the way I do. Goodness knows how often I have entertained thoughts of just leaving this place, going to a new city to live by myself. Yes, I am not a strong person and I admit it. I wish I could be stoic about this but I’m only human. And my shield cracks sometimes. And then I want to run away from all these hurting.

So please be here soon, will you? Because I just don’t know how much more disappointment this little heart of mine can take.

Loving you already,
your momma

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