Letters to

Don’t quite know

Dear Tiny Human,

Guess what? Today may just be the day that you are created. Fingers crossed.

Momma here has been through a really bad week – your poor Dad says that I am busily grinding my teeth at night when I sleep. That’s how stressful it has been for me.

You see, just last week, I had all but given up hope of ever conceiving you. After three painful and failed IUI sessions with my current gynae, she had suggested that your Dad and I head straight for IVF.

To say that I was shell-shocked is an understatement. I was overwhelmed with disbelief and devastation. Throughout our journey, I had never, ever contemplated IVF. At every moment, every step of the way, I had hoped for the best but never prepared for the worst. And this was the worst coming true.

Needless to say, I cried. Your Dad remained calm. It’s not that he isn’t affected by all this, it’s just that this has certainly taken a larger toll on me. It’s my body, after all, that gets poked and prodded every month; it’s me who gets the telltale sign that the IUI hasn’t worked yet again. He just believes strongly that you will happen eventually while I go through the ups and downs of hope and pessimism.

But it is through this storm that I get to see the love that those around me have for me. Your Aunty Hsu Wan responded to my text for help positively and gave me three doctors who are highly recommended by her colleagues. And then there’s my dear friend Denise, who sends me messages of love and encouragement, and cheers me up during those long, girly lunches. Your Dad leaves the decisions in my hands, understanding my need for some semblance of control.

And now, we are seeing a wonderful doctor who is kind, gentle, compassionate and warm. He’s everything that I have wanted in my previous doctor, who was, unfortunately, always pressed for time. He takes the time to explain things to us and assures us that we are perfectly normal. He also confirms that we are not quite at the stage of IVF yet.

It’s almost as if the dark clouds have parted and this little beam of sunlight is poking through. My heart felt light for the first time in ages and I was actually hopeful.

We’ve just done one round of IUI and it was worlds apart from my last two. There wasn’t any pain, tears didn’t stream down my cheeks due to the shock, I wasn’t left alone immediately to dwell on the unpleasantness of it, the doctor actually stayed to explain the procedure to me and answered my questions patiently. I could have cried, but this time out of gratitude.

I still feel like crying now, actually. There’s this whole tangled mess of emotions churning in me right now. It’s so hard because nobody around me would ever understand this and I will always carry the scars of this in my heart. I am happy, yet fearful; hopeful yet cautious.

You may or may not be created yet, the road is still long. There are surgeries and medications to consider.

But for now, I just want to believe that you are a probability, not just a possibility.

Love you already,
Your Momma

1 thought on “Don’t quite know”

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