Letters to

Balls of steel

Dear Tiny Human to be,

Yes, as you can see, I have changed your name. Sooner or later, I hope to be able to remove the “to be” in your name. Sooner please, of course. I’m not sure my bank account can handle any more of the “to be” status.

(Note to husband: Good sperm, hello! GOOD SPERM!)

After this whirlwind ride of the past six months, I have come to the sombre conclusion: infertility is not for the faint-hearted. Hence the title of the post.

Over the course of this period of time, I have undergone five IUIs, been jabbed half that number of times, had ultrasound wands stuck up my hoo-ha twice that number of times and taken countless hormone pills. I’ve had people stare up my hoo-ha in great interest and detail. I’ve also shoved medications up my hoo-ha, just like you would a tampon.

It’s not been the easiest of rides, I tell you. And not the most comfortable either.

And why am I telling you all these horrifyingly private details that will change the way you look at your parents forever? Because I want to ensure that you will be FOREVER GRATEFUL to us. For giving you the gift of life at such high personal expense.

Also, we have been saving up the receipts of our treatments for the day you turn 21. That’s when you need to pay us back every single cent for giving you the gift of life. Time to start saving!

(See, we are such great parents that we teach you the value of saving when you are not yet born.)

We’ve switched doctors and so far, he’s been great. On Christmas Eve, we did an IUI with him and the prognosis looks good, although he did mention that your Dad’s boys were a tad lazy, JUST LIKE HIM. (I added in that last bit myself. Good, eh?) But if you, the intended result, do not materialise, then I’m off to the operating table to get my plumbing checked. It’s also an indication that Santa Claus, contrary to popular notion, does not exist.

Did I mention that the surgery is going to cost me $5,000 or more? No worries, this will be going into that stack of receipts you will be receiving on your 21st birthday.

Because all these expenses have caused your Dad and I to be skint, we have decided that you will not be receiving birthday and Christmas gifts until you are 21. On your 21st birthday, you will get a beautifully decorated box full of receipts from us as your very first gift.

No need to worry so much, just, for the love of all things beautiful and Miu Miu, BE CREATED!

Your doting Mom

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