Health Goddess

In or out?

There, you’ve done it. All of you.

Ever since we came out of the closet, I’ve received a lot of comments and encouragement, both on this blog and in private correspondence. I’ve got people writing to me and telling me that they are struggling like we are. In fact, my site has never been more popular!

And now that I have had such a wonderful response from everyone, I can’t possibly stop talking about this, can I? And so even though I have said that this is not an infertility blog, this is fast becoming an infertility blog. I’ll try my very best to have a life outside of eggs and spunk but you may have to pry my cold dead hands from the computer as I stalk the forums and read up all about IVF.

I mean, it’s YOUR fault for liking all my angsty posts.

In truth, I had been thinking about whether I should go public with our situation. Well, as public as this blog can get, anyway. If this is just about me, I would have, trust me. But because this involves Mr Thick too, I wanted to respect his and our shared privacy.

The plan had been to keep everything quiet and then TAHDAH! announce it when the sperm finally meets the egg and settles down nicely in my womb. BUT – writing helps to take the edge off my negativity and I found myself composing blog posts about how sad I was, how angry I was, how despondent I was, how hopeful I was. And I realized that I couldn’t keep it under wraps for long because I might EXPLODE from the sheer force of it all.

Also, it was becoming increasingly clear that his boys and my girls are not keen to hook up. At all. Good to know that we can spawn potentially prudish children but they need to be LESS PRUDISH NOW so that THEY CAN ACTUALLY BE SPAWNED.

Sometimes I wonder if our turn would come, that we will have our happy ever after. Because the thing with undergoing IVF is that you no longer have a safety net, this is probably your last shot at conceiving a biological child of your own. Back when we were going through the IUIs, I knew that there was a chance it would come to this. I would hope that this is it, this is the cycle that works but have this gut feeling that it wasn’t.

Really? We can’t just shag and make a baby?

But truly, I am so glad that I came to the decision to come clean, with husband’s blessings. The outpouring of encouragement has been wonderful. During my darkest moments, I wrote a couple of locked posts addressed to my non-existent unborn child. The hope is that one day, there will be AN ACTUAL CHILD reading these posts. I’m unlocking them now since there isn’t a need for me to keep it under wraps.

In the meantime, welcome to my world.

10 thoughts on “In or out?”

  1. Thank you for sharing and I, too, hope that one day your child will read those posts. You both have much love and support going your way on this journey. Take care.

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  2. Hey Yann,

    I just got introduced to your blog through the lovely miss ene. I blogged about people’s reactions to my infertility sometime in Nov last year too and yeah, I didn’t like the whole “walking on eggshells” act going on around us at all. Also hated it when told “Just relax, don’t stress!” – as if any amount of relaxing would make my bloody tubes magically unblock at the stroke of midnight.

    We went the IVF route. And believe me, people can STILL find nasty comments to make about that, like after the first round failed, some horrid aunt told us to hurry up and get on with round 2. Seriously, WTF.

    All the best with whatever route you choose to take.

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  3. Sometimes the emotions I feel when reading your post are so strong I am left speechless….i mean unable to comment.

    I hope you never stop writing. Your story resonates with so many of us out there facing various human struggles.

    I don’t have a child also not because I didn’t always yearn for 10, but due to circumstances… and so when I read your unlocked letters to your child I can’t help feeling overwhelmed by emotion.

    you are brave to share your story…sooo brave!

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  4. Just from reading your locked posts, I was hit hard by your pain, angst and the emotional roller-coaster rides that you are going through. I knew you were going through dark times, but it was only after you bravely opened up and gave us a glimpse of your insights from another perspective that I really felt your sufferings. It is without a doubt, a painful journey for you and your hubby, but you have so courageously trudged on and never gave up without a fierce fight. You ought to be proud of yourself – you are a fighter.

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  5. Thank you everyone. Your comments have been such blessings!

    Yi Lin – yes I have been reading your blog on Maybe Baby, your story gives us hope! That aunt is horribly insensitive, oh my gosh. I think people just don’t know how to deal with this, they get uncomfortable or they don’t empathise. 🙂 So happy that it worked out the second time round!

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  6. Hi,

    I went thru the “laparoscopy” yest and it feel terrible. I had serious tummy ache after taken that 2 pills which suppose to relax my tummy muscle. But I told myself whatever it take to get me preggie I am on for anything. I will get a review on this weekend so I hope to hear some gd new… at least I hope i am not infertile or am I consider infertile now since going thru all the checkup… I had nv ask my gyna this question and she didnt mentioned i am infertile.

    For the future babies… we all must JIA YOU!!!

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