Health Goddess

Can anybody hear me?

It’s midnight.

I’m sitting in my bathroom, hot tears streaming down my face. I’m clutching my phone, waiting for my girlfriend to reply my desperate messages. But she is 13 hours away in another world and there is nothing that she can do for me but tell me that I will get through this one day.

Thing is, I am not sure I can. At this very moment, I’m sitting naked among a million pieces of my heart. Or at least that’s how I feel. Because my heart chips off little by little, bit by bit. I am no longer the same girl that I used to be, I am no longer the fun, silly person that I was. This is an older, more wrinkly me. Beyond the physical changes, I am sadder, more jaded, hollower and angrier.

I think about how those around me get pregnant one by one. I see their babies grow and it reminds me just how long we have been trying. I tell myself that they are good people and they deserve all the happiness that they can get, I truly believe that. But I get mad. Because surely, I deserve that modicum of happiness too. Who is to say that I don’t?

Even if I get my happily ever after, I will never forget all that I have felt throughout this journey. I may grow fuller and stronger but there will always be a part of me that aches for the intense sadness that we went through. Infertility is a very long and lonely road. My heart breaks but each time, I need to pull myself together and stand straight up. Because life has to go on, I can’t continue crying on the bathroom floor with no end in sight.

I don’t think I will ever be the same again.

5 thoughts on “Can anybody hear me?”

  1. I feel you. I feel bad, but know there is nothing that I can say that can console in this situation. Wish there was though….

    I get upset as well because life is sometime plain unfair. When I was younger I always imagined that I would be a mum but somehow that never happened.

    Some days I just can’t think positive, even though that’s the unsolicited advice I usually get. It’s hard.

    I often wish I could go back to being that carefree twenty-something who loved everyone even when they were obviously not respecting her. I was and still am a doormat, just to a lesser degree. Somehow I just can’t…go back, that is. Only now do I realize what a doormat I was. Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss.

    I love your writing, and I think you are enormously talented. You always speak from your heart and boy can that be difficult. I am sure that I am not the only one inspired by you.


  2. Be strong, gal. I’m in a similar situation. I know it’s difficult. I know it hurts. But let’s be strong together. There’s gonna be light at the end of the tunnel.


  3. bookjunkie – I know, don’t you just go ‘urghs’ when people tell you to think positively? Yes life is damn unfair but we have to keep moving forward. 🙂 Hang in there! And thanks for the support.

    lxlb – thanks babe! Am off to Hong Kong next month, will be a good and timely break. 🙂

    R – Eventually, we will get there, right?

    fern – sends some back to you!


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