I know, what a terrible way to start a letter to You, right? But honestly? This SUCKS.
First, the Universe decides through some random cosmic lottery that I am not able to simply shag and reproduce. Then, this black, misty Loneliness bitch sets up shop in my heart and refuses to go away. And if that is not enough, I see babies everywhere, the way the poor kid in The Sixth Sense sees dead people. And we know how well that went.
Yes, rub it in, will you? Do you know that this Loneliness fellow is such a frigging drag? He is so elusive, so difficult to weed out. I try to stuff him in some dark and damp crevice of my heart and yet he manages to stealthily escape the confines. He’s also a nasty nasty fellow, that Loneliness, appearing at the most inopportune of moments. I could be looking into the mirror and feeling all wretched about my appearance when suddenly, the door bursts open and he pirouettes in, singing, WHY HELLO THERE! HAVE YOU SEEN MY PRETTY SHOES? I tell him to fuck off but NO, he sticks persistently by my side. ALL THE FRIGGING TIME.
I am beginning to think that You don’t like me one bit.
Some days, I just want to be by myself with a glass of wine. And then I would look up into the sky and think, So how? Tell me? But I don’t get any answer from you. Oh, it’s okay, I’ve just been going through 12 months of hell, THAT IS ALL.
Erm, yes, I might be a tad angry.
I’m tired of this endless routine of cycles. Of waiting. Of clinics. Of vajayjay cams. Of being a hormonal GM cow. Of being angry. Of pretending to be happy. Of bloody Loneliness being my constant companion. Of the regular wrenches you throw into my life.
And more importantly, I am frigging tired of being sad. Of tears springing into my eyes on the bus. When someone texts me something heartfelt and warm. When I am sitting at the hospital by myself. When a sad song plays on my iPod.
Just when I have reached the stage where I am comfortable with myself and confident of who I am, I have to deal with this infertility shit. Is this some sort of mental Herculean test? Cos if it is, I ain’t wanting no part of it.
Also, please, can I have my money back?
I need it for the IVFs and Botox.
I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I need to see the light soon. I need some answers.