Health Goddess, Letters to

Hullo embryos!

Dear Bryan and Bryna,

Just FYI – I didn’t come up with these names. It was my friend the Queen of the Prairie who insisted on calling you thus. You see, she thinks that she is very hip and loves calling you and your fellow embryo siblings ‘bryos. From there, it became Bryan and Bryna. But really, it’s better than the names I have given to her yet-to-be conceived Alaskan babies.

They are called Salmon and Salmonella.
Because she will be going salmon fishing when she is in Alaska.
Am v funny and witty!

Anyway, so the two of you are now safely ensconced in the Sentosa Cove of wombs ie. MY uterus. And CONGRATULATIONS, you were selected because you were the most outstanding among your siblings! Well, as outstanding as you lazy buggers can get anyway. While most other embryos are already in the 8-cell state on the third day of retrieval, you two are only 6-cells big. Oh no, I am not comparing, not at all. And no, you don’t need to get 100 for your spelling tests in future, just 98 will do.

What I didn’t get was how fast and furious you eggnoids were growing in my ovaries and then suddenly when faced with the sperm boys in the petri-dish, you became laggards. And then it hit me. I am convinced that it is all because of your Dad’s lazy boys! I knew it! His boys were always slow and sluggish (bad, bad motility) so they must have been lousy influences on all of you! Hmph.

I’m a wee bit sad that your grades aren’t outstanding. In the world of embryo quality, you guys are considered decent but not outstanding. Sigh, now that’s my fault and I take full responsibility. But you know what, I created you, okay okay WE created you (although your Dad did nothing but wank into a tiny plastic jar) and so I love you wholeheartedly. You guys are OUR precious little underdogs and we will be cheering you on. Even if you only have 30-odd percent chances of surviving, it is still better than all those empty dreams we have had for the past two years.

Damn hormones, making me cry.

Just know that you may not be the best embryos out there but that is okay. I was never the coolest or prettiest or cleverest girl too. I laugh too loud, talk like a fishmonger, am socially awkward, say the wrong things to people, have eye bags the size of marbles, have terrible skin and my hair is never straight or neat. I treated myself as an average girl and used to blend in with the furniture. But no longer. I now embrace my individuality and am not interested in being your average everyday girl. Am now v Fabulously Gorgeous! And very noisy!

You don’t have to be perfect. In fact it’s great that you are NOT perfect because that makes you our little fighters. So what if you are just 6-cells big? It sucks but it doesn’t make you LOUSY. It just means we are all too school for cool! (as Pink sings)

So go on and have a party inside! Find a spot that gives you the best view (cervix or tubes lalala), burrow in and pop the champagne!

Just don’t get drunk and drop out. Noooooooooo.
It’s now up to you two and God.

Your Momma

That’s Bryan on the right and Bryna on the left. Aren’t they imperfectly adorable!

10 thoughts on “Hullo embryos!”

  1. They are CUTE! Nice big cells too. But no no, they cannot burrow in the tubes!! Ectopic pregnancies are no good!! Mentally channel them to pick a nice cushy spot in the womb lining, the equivalent of the Capella or Fullerton Bay or St Regis… not bunk along the tubal roads!

    By the way, re the salmon kids: I read about twins called Sam and Ella. The mum didn’t realise what an unfortunate pairing of names it was until she started calling for them together.


  2. Praying hard for ur double B to hang in there as tight as possible… in the meantime, relax, go watch a movie, read a book, play a game, talk to ur B n B…sing to them. Let them watch horror movie so they can hold to ur lining very tight (cos they scared shit)… haha.. Relax….


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