Health Goddess

The end. For now.

It’s over.

Call me Debbie Downer but in my heart, I’ve always known that it wasn’t going to go our way. Right from the start, the odds were firmly stacked against us and it would take a miracle for us to get the happy ending.

Miracles have never happened to me.

But you know, just because there wasn’t much hope doesn’t mean that I wasn’t holding out for a dream come true. Because with every procedure, there is always a faint glimmer of possibility that it might just work. You hear of stories, good stories that have happy endings, and you wonder, maybe, just maybe, it is my turn this time.

It isn’t.
But maybe next time.

In a strange way, though, I am thankful for having gone through this. No, not glad, because nobody who wants a child deserves to go through hell for it. It isn’t fair. But this infertility shit has shown me just how strong and strong-willed I can be. I’ve cried my fair share of tears, I’ve lain in bed feeling sorry for myself but I’ve never allowed myself to stay down. And that’s something nobody can ever take away from me.

But you know what, I could never have done it on my own, as strong as I think I am. Without my darling husband, who patiently took over some of my household duties when I was all choked up with nausea, who never showed signs of giving up hope, who bought me chocolate milkshakes because he just knew I needed one, I would have crumbled. He’s my beacon in the night.

And oh, all those other people – some friends and some strangers – who brought me so much love and encouragement. Someone once told me that the support of friends is very important for those going through IVF and it’s true. The support that I had envisioned from my usual quarters did not materialise; instead, the cheers came from people whom I have never, ever expected to hear from. And it meant so much to me, to know that people were rooting for me.

Special mention to:

  • My friend the Queen of the Prairie – for oohing and ahhing at the right times, for christening my little underdog embryos, for sending me those lovely, lovely flowers, for giving me hugs over Whatsapp even though she is far away in Kansas.
  • The wonderful Miss Ene – for texting me regularly and asking how I am, for helping me with you-know-what (I don’t want to jinx it by saying it out loud!)
  • My cousins/godsisters – for just being there and never, NEVER saying platitudes like, oh it will work. They kept it real. And I appreciate that.
  • The Squirts – for bringing me dinner when I was sick, for coming over to keep me company just because, for having that super cute baby who makes me laugh all the time.
  • Yuling – for always, always sending me the sweetest messages that never fail to bring tears to my eyes. She’s a mother of one but she gets it. She just gets it.
  • Everyone who has ever left encouraging comments or emailed me – you have no idea how much those messages mean to me. They made me smile and they kept me going. Your comments allowed me to be real, to be me. Thank you Serene, Dot, Bookjunkie, Pleasure Monger, Lady J, Sherie and oh, so many others!
  • The cleverest, funniest Dr Y – poor him, for being stuck with a high maintenance patient like me, always bombarding him with text messages. But he did his best and he was always kind. He’s also probably the most positive person in the world. I’m so glad to have found him. Although I don’t think he shares the same sentiments.

So what’s our next step going to be?
Husband and I have talked it through and we have some ideas. I’m going to let this poor little body of mine detox and have a rest before starting on another cycle. We’re going for a quick holiday in two months’ time and in the meantime, there’s going to be plenty of beer guzzling, wine sipping and sashimi slurping.

I’m going to bloody live again.

Leaving you with this beautiful song by my two favourite singers that’s made me cry and cry when I was at the lowest point. I just hope that there will be something for us to look forward to this coming Christmas.

19 thoughts on “The end. For now.”

  1. You have no idea how full of admiration I am for you. Your strength and tenacity puts many to shame. Drink up, sleep in. You deserve it! BIG HUGS, dear.

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  2. Hey Yann,
    I’m so sorry it didn’t work out this time. I can feel your anguish through your writings. It often seems so unfair. But a holiday is a great idea. Plan it during THAT time of the month and try again (naturally). Some people have had success this way after trying all those other means. My friend took 6 years to have her first, 7 years to have her second (after failed IUIs and 2 miscarriages, it was all natural). Where there is life, there is hope. Keep smiling!!!

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  3. I used to never believe in miracles until I met and married the boy. Hang in there babe. In the meantime, like what Yuling has rightly said, drink lots, sleep in, get massaged and eat lots of sashimi ๐Ÿ™‚

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  4. You’ve incredible fortitude, babe. Even though the concept is not something I totally understand, your writings have taught me much. It’s not just to have and hold, it’s also about being yourself while being torn apart. You’ve a beautiful soul and it’s also painful for the reader to not see you have what you so deserve to have. I understand your determination, ideals and strength. I pray for faith to hold you tight, and just that bit of luck to pull you through when you’re ready. Hugs and thoughts to you and the Husband.

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  5. Know that there are probably more reading this who have never left a comment for whatever reason but who also follow and cheer you on your journey. That’s the kind of person you are, able to draw in friends, strangers. Like the person said before, you do have a beautiful soul. We all send you our thoughts and hugs! And now, rest!

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  6. Oh man. Really sorry to hear the news, babe. Been following your blog so closely, just hoping. Take heart. Indulge in your holiday, go out with friends, find comfort in being free from the injections, medications, nausea and mental stress. Take time to gaze up into that blue sky you wrote about in your previous entry, you SC girl ๐Ÿ™‚ There’s something about the sky that speaks encouragingly about hope and possibilities. Hugs!

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  7. Hugs! It’s ok girl! Let out all sadness, anger, tears you have and then pick yourself up to start afresh! We won’t know how many times you need to go through this but be patient, I’m sure He has something prepared just for you. A little gift of hope for a special you. At the right time, right place and right way. A gift you probably never expect and in His timing. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Meanwhile,after you have pick yourself up, just go have fun for life is too unpredictable and short to moan over anything!

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  8. Jeremiah29:11
    For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

    I hv been a silent reader for a while and as I remembered you said that many of us can never understand what you have been through and never will, I agree. Someone said a hug is worth a million words and here I am, someone from afar giving you a virtual hug and a promise that she will include you in her prayer tonight. You said before you don’t have a religion and don’t have a particular God who you pray to but the kind God that you believe in will never give a task too hard for you to go through and He will equip you with the right people to face the task together. Continue being that lovely, witty blog writer whom I adore and envy (such smart, dry humor :D) and enjoy that holiday of yours!

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  9. I’m so sorry to hear the news, hun. I cannot imagine what you’re going through and I really wish I could do something to help. For now, go on and live it up, a break is what both of you need. I’m keeping both of you in my thoughts and praying that when you start afresh, good things will come your way! Hugs from thousands of miles away!!

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  10. Sad to hear the news. Just rest well, tiao ur body and enjoy every moment of time now… Miracle will happen to everyone and I wish that sometime miracle can strike me just once too… My full encouragement to u.. U go gal…

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  11. Thank you everyone for your kind, kind words.
    Your encouragement and support have been one of the best things to have happened to me during the journey. What would I have done without this little blog and all of you!

    (Probably stabbed myself with a butter knife over a hundred times or something. Oh well!)

    Big hugs.

    Rustyslave, best of luck for your July cycle! I hope that the miracle will happen to you this time. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  12. I hope so lor… Nw that I miss my AF for more than a week, I have been feeling not stable. I dnt feel anything diff. I am more worry is becos endo gt worst or wa… Anyway I make an appt with my gyna this tues… Hope everything goes fine for me… I hv been suay this month.

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  13. I am so sad that obviously wonderful parents have so much difficulty getting their baby, while awful nightmarish parents easily pop out kids they don’t deserve.

    Sometimes I just wanna scream cos life is so unfair (sorry…been reading depressing books with awful mothers…like Sybil)

    I can’t even imagine going through what you’re going through right now….don’t think I’d be able to handle it.

    *hugs*

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  14. Sorry to hear of this news… I was rooting so hard for you for you really deserve that happy ending. It’s ok… like you said, take a break, live life, drink and be merry… I’m sure your time will come! GANBATTE & BIG HUGS….

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