Two weeks on, I have somewhat accepted that our first IVF attempt was a failure.
Don’t worry, it’s not like I was sitting in the dark every night, crying my heart out. As Yi Lin once wrote, it’s saddening because the “project” that you had worked so damn hard on didn’t succeed. Nobody died – and it is precisely that which makes me very sad. Because, as perverse as it sounds, I would rather have had a miscarriage than a negative.
When you have gained and lost, at least you live with the knowledge that you once had it. Even if it had been a fleeting moment, for that period of time, you were happy. It worked and you know that you are capable of being pregnant. You had a little embryo implanted in you. It gives you hope to try again and again because you know that it IS possible.
But when you have faced months and months of negative results like we have, the road seems extra long and arduous. Lots of “what ifs” dot the future: what if we would never be pregnant? What if we need five or eight or 10 IVFs to get there? What if the next cycle is exactly like the previous one – crappy? What if my eggs are just inherently crappy?
Initially, I was adamant that we ride the wave of momentum. Rest up a month or two and then plunge headlong into it again. There are lots of other factors at play here – a possible change in working environment; the need to get something, ANYTHING done; time racing against us.
But two weeks later, I feel more relaxed and happier about where we are now. Yes, the goals are still there, it’s just that the goal posts have been moved back, that’s all. So I wasn’t able to live my dream of having kids before I was 30. That’s okay. I’d still be a mom, just at a later age. Who knows, I may be a better mom because of all that we have gone through. And if I can’t do the transfer within the same cycle, not a big deal. It’ll let my body recover and perhaps I would be in a better condition for the frozen embryos a month later.
Of course, there is still this big black hole of fears and worries looming. That’s the thing when you bring out the Big Guns – you know that if the Big Guns misfire or malfunction, there is no Bigger Gun to come to your aid. Of course, there are always options like donor egg or adoption but these are decisions that cannot be made lightly. Nobody just adopts or just opt for donor eggs.
But I can’t afford to think of that right now. We have made an appointment to see Dr Handsome* and we’ll see how things go. KKH is notorious for having a crazy long queue for IVF (goes to show just how many couples NEED assisted reproductive technology to conceive in Singapore – someone point that out to our government please?) and we may have to take a longer break than planned.
That’s okay, as long as it’s not a break of, like, SIX MONTHS. In the meantime, there’s always shagging for the sake of shagging! Phew! No more performance anxiety (plus the durian season is over). Clearly, shagging is not going to get us anywhere, as we have proven.
No siree, I am leaving my reproductive future firmly in the hands of Science and Medicine. Let’s hope they don’t disappoint me.
*I still feel a tad sad at consulting Dr Handsome but my guilt is assuaged by the fact that I am not having a fling with him behind Dr Y’s back and that he was recommended by Dr Y.
Yannisms 
Heyyy, re-reading my entry on the failed cycle, I realised that while my heart still lurches at the memory of the disappointment, the old stab I still feel doesn’t bring forth fresh tears anymore. I guess that’s Acceptance. Used to be hard to read what I wrote. So it’s true that time heals and scabs harden. Plus, of course, it helps that the situation is infinitely better now.
Miscarriage, unfortunately, is not a rare occurance, having seen friends go through it. But I understand what it means to secretly, perversely think in your heart, “at least you know you can” everytime you hear of a miscarriage story. Of course, the mental toll on sufferers of miscarriages, when they subsequently conceive again, is unimaginable. My friend who miscarried at 8 weeks stepped up her regular OB visits for her 2nd pregnancy, just so she could see the foetus through ultrasound and find comfort in hearing its heartbeat. And seeing her worry mount as the “8 week mark” loomed before her was heartrending too. Every week that passes is a milestone achievement. I almost proposed pooling money to buy our own Doppler to hear our babies’ heartbeats daily – but thought that was stretching it a bit!
You have scaled quite a few heights and achieved some pretty big milestones yourself, my dear. Take a break from climbing, catch your breath and enjoy the view from where you are right now. Then gear up again and continue the journey when you’re ready 🙂
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I’ve miscarried twice, and like you am on a break and aiming to try again when all is ready. Some say you need time (6months or more) to heal and ‘get over it’ before you can try, but to me, healing and finally getting over my last miscarriage is knowing I’ve got what I wanted, a successful pregnancy in its 2nd trimester; a baby to call ours.
Like you, many factors came into play of this journey that has lasted a little more than a year now – most significantly, sticking to a job that I wouldn’t be in if not for the fact that I want to protect myself against any externalities like stress/ change of environment so that I don’t jeopardise my next try – because multiple miscarriages can’t be as scientifically detected as say, a blocked fallopian, or fibroid in ovary – but sheer, plain stress or sheer, bad luck.
Just today I was waiting for the MRT when I saw a happy toddler run by me. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine my husband and I as her parents, and thought, “Oh.. What great parents we will be” and I almost teared there and then (like I recall how you have a penchant for tearing in public too) because for now that thought is still a huge doubt. Guess I just have to use that pain, to fuel more strength, to get to our goal. “Our” as in mine and my husband’s and yours and mine too.
Ok, that was quite a ramble. What I wanted to say, really, is – rest up, take care, don’t give up!
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Oh I hope I wasn’t being insensitive to anyone with that remark! I wasn’t being callous, just a personal thought because I think I’d be able to bouce back quicker had I known that I CAN get pregnant and I’d want to try again.
Yi Lin – actually I don’t think “at least you can” when I hear of miscarriages. It’s more like for me, I would rather loved and lost than not to have at all.
Grace, I’m so sorry about your losses! I hope I didn’t offend you in any way. have you thought of immunological testing? I’ve read that for multiple miscarriages, it might help to test for immunology issues. But for now, take care and we’ll get there someday. 🙂 Big hugs!
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Whoops! Sorry, that was just my secret perverse self misinterpreting n speaking then. Er, tee hee? *blush*
By the way, I watched the movie by the same title of the entry. Engaging, albeit with some slightly disturbing scenes. Heh.
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