You’re my son

Dear Tiny Human,

We had the chance to look at you yesterday and oh my, I don’t think I will ever get tired of seeing you in utero.

There you were, flipping around and playing with your umbilical cord. It was simply the most amazing thing in the world. You wouldn’t stop squirming during the scan and even the doctor commented that you are one hell of an active baby. And the sound of your little heart beating! It is the most beautiful rhythm I have ever heard.

I don’t know how that’s possible but I love you more and more each day.

One Christmas ago, I thought today would never come. I was despondent and lost. But this year, I think my Christmas will be a warm and hopeful one. You are my miracle, you are the reason why I look forward to the future.

You’re my son.

Yes, you are. We found out yesterday and I have to admit, I was in a tiny bit of shock. In my ideal world, I have always dreamt that my first baby would be a little girl. I had girl names all lined up, I thought of the things I would teach my little girl. And in that utopia, my second child would be a son, a boy who learns how to be a gentleman from his papa, mama and big sister.

When will I learn that life never goes the way I expect it to?
Your conception alone should have taught me that.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to belittle your existence in any way.
I am just very, very grateful that you are even here in my belly.
I love simply putting my hand there and knowing that you are with me, whether you are kicking up a storm, sleeping or turning somersaults.

I have a name for you, I’ve always loved that name. But I’m going to keep it to myself – no, not even your dad will know – and it’s going to be a little secret between you and me. It’ll be our little secret and your name will be uttered out loud the moment you come into this world.

Until then, you will be our nugget, the one who gave us the direction to our lives.

Love, mama.

PS: that’s you at 12 weeks, chilling out and waving to us.