The organised chaos

Moms and daughters

All my life, I have been the good daughter.

Nobody needed to nag at me to study hard, I hardly gave my mom any cause for worry and I think I was pretty much on my own most of the time. I’m not saying that Sista was a trouble-maker but definitely, her more spirited and rebellious approach towards life had Mom worrying all her life.

Then came my mama’s call last week. She rang me and asked me who would be taking care of me during my confinement period post-delivery. That got me all confused: I had assumed that it would be her since she had helped my sister out after her delivery. Mom was all, no no no, I can’t do it! I have to take care of Rai, you have to hire a confinement lady.

When I heard it, my heart sank. Maybe it was due to the hormones, maybe I was just feeling all the angst from years gone by, but I was really, really sad. I kept it out of my voice and told Mom calmly that we didn’t want a confinement nanny and that I’d be alright since Mr Thick would be taking leave to help out. We would cater confinement food and we’d be fine.

The relief in her voice was so apparent. Happy that the crisis had been averted, she continued the conversation waxing lyrical about my nephew.

When I hung up the phone, I wanted to cry. Instead, I tweeted:

And thank goodness for the Twitterverse! Many girls replied and said that they had faced similar situations. Nobody dismissed my message or trivialized my feelings, and many tweeted their support. I know it sounds horrible but I was very glad that I wasn’t the only one feeling that way.

In the end, I had a good cry and my godsister rang me up to hear me sob into the phone and to offer her take on the situation. I moped for a bit and then decided that there was no point in moping because this wasn’t something that I could change. Instead, I told myself that I would be happy not to have to go through confinement, something which husband and I had agreed upon right from the start.

All’s well ends well though. A couple of days ago, Mom called me to tell me that she would be spending two weeks with me after my delivery. Sista would be taking leave to take care of Rai, freeing up my Mom to be, well, MY mom.

I don’t know what changed between phone calls but I was so, so glad. I’d willingly down ginger food and longan-red date tea just so that I could have my mama take care of me.

8 thoughts on “Moms and daughters”

  1. Thanks for another post that makes me feel less like a horrible person! After my 2 miscarriages, and going for our 3rd try soon – my mom must’ve been all sorts of worried and started talking to strangers about our predicament. One day she comes back with a well-meaning but utterly freaky piece of advice, of engaging this man (total stranger), to give our 2 miscarriages names, burn some offerings, apologise and let go of their spirits, and I MAY consider just offering a prayer if was in an actual temple, but no – only to be done by the roadside. Wtf? Thankfully I had the hubby to buffer the incredulous look on my face and the disbelief and anger that was bubbling inside of me. Too long to elaborate – it was basically upsetting, spooky, unsettling, and plain WTF. Wasn’t mama supposed to be the strong guiding force in helping me move on, and not throwing in nonsensical theories to weigh me down?

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  2. Babe, that’s a great compromise. Glad that you’ll have mama by your side after you deliver. Kudos to the sis too for helping out by taking leave to look after Rai. Everybody will be well looked after 🙂

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  3. you can also look at it as YOU will be a better mum, because you won’t ever let your kids go through the feeling of being ignored. *hugs*

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  4. Sorry for the earlier unfinished comment.

    I meant to say, I’ve felt that way almost the whole time I’ve been my mother’s daughter. She pays more attention to the irresponsible one, and gladly be taken advantage of time after time by my middle sister. I thank God for my eldest sister who often puts things into perspective by simply accepting that our mom worries about the middle sister most because she is always getting into trouble. Maybe she has this insight because she is a mother herself but im not.

    Trust me, ive shed my fair amount tears feeling like the unfavourite child.

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  5. you are so brave to write this and I thank you. I have been there too. Wanting to cry and feeling so neglected and unloved and hurt. Know my mum loves me as much but sometimes we just need the reassurance. and sometimes things can seem not that way. Totally justified all your feelings as I was reading this post. Wanted to give you hugs you poor thing. I would have reacted totally the same way and perhaps not as stoic.

    Glad everything worked out in the end. We all need to know our mums love us as much and that we are all special.

    I have friends and relatives who are traumatized because of clear favourtism and I feel so sad for them. One of my cousins actually wanted to run away from home because of it.

    Here it looked like your mum was torn not knowing what to do, but I am so glad you have her by your side after the birth.

    When your second one comes I know you’ll always be sensitive to both children’s needs. You will be such a loving mum…your kids are going to be so lucky. Think you were born for the role.

    xo

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