Where you belong

Dear Tiny Human,

Strangely enough, I haven’t been sleeping in on weekends the way I used to before you came along. This morning, my eyes flew open at 8am and try as I might, I couldn’t fall back asleep. Instead, I turned onto my side and took a long, sweet glance at your sleeping father. And then I started to pray:

Dear God, thank you for this man. He is not perfect but he is just perfect for me. Thank you for keeping us together in spite of all that we have gone through. He is feeling a little lost now so please guide him in the right direction.

Thank you for this little nugget of ours, thank you for giving him to us after two years of struggle, tears and pain. We will love him dearly. And God, while I am grateful that you have gifted us with this miracle boy, there are many others out there who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. They are struggling, like we were, and they are bitter, sad and angry. Please help them, they need your guidance too. Thank you.

23 weeks in and there are still times when I could hardly believe that you are truly here. These fleeting moments of wonder and joy and disbelief pop into my head and I have to look down at my swelling belly to be brought back to reality.

Your movements have been more distinct, more exuberant. You love it when I eat: five bites into my meal, I can feel you knocking at the walls of your watery home, as if thanking me for devouring such delicious food. When I am happy and laughing, you bubble up in joy too. And when I read to you, you stay silent till the end of the book, nudging me when the last page has been flipped.

But when your Daddy is around, oh my little man, you become so, so still! You could be flipping around like a fish and when I call for your Dad excitedly, you quieten down. He watches you with his hand on my tummy and speaks to you, but you only respond with tiny squirms. The moment he leaves and we are alone in the room, you start somersaulting again. It’s really funny!

Despite knowing that you will be with us in March next year, there are times when pangs of sadness still hit me. I always believe that things happen for a reason but sometimes, I just don’t know why we had to tread on such an arduous journey before we hit the prize. It’s been so hard, so, so, hard but I am thankful that we got through it in the end.

During those tough times, one song kept me going and I will never listen to this song without being reminded of how it encapsulates all my murky emotions then.

I’d go hungry
I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
Know there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

It’s true, you don’t only become a mother when your child is born. You become a mother the moment you realize that a little being is slowing growing in your belly, when the two lines appear on the stick. You become a mother the day you know that you are nurturing a ball of cells that would one day be your child. You become a mother when everything you do is for the best of your child, who is yet to be born.

Thank you for making me your mother.

♥, Mama