The organised chaos

Of ups and downs

I know, this is coming a little late. 2011 has already been done and dusted and we are well into 2012. Yes, yes, I am so yesterday but I was off having a wonderful holiday with my love so can you blame me for being just a tad late?  
And oh, what a year 2011 has been! I cannot remember any other year in which I have gone through such a tumultuous roller coaster ride. The highs were really high and the lows…well, let’s just say that hellish is a very, very apt word to sum it up. 
The year started off badly enough. We failed the IUI done over Christmas and I decided to go ahead with the laparoscopy, within a week of turning 30. Happy birthday to me. It wasn’t a major surgery, certainly, but it still came with its fair share of pain and worries. Thankfully, nothing abnormal was found and my womanly plumbing was cleared of any fertility doubts.
It was also at this time that we decided to make public our journey to become a family of more than two (humans). And without any hyperbole, I can safely say that it’s changed my life. Some tell me that I am brave to talk so openly about it but frankly, I have gotten over the hang up that infertility is something that is embarrassing to talk about. Infertility is a very, very difficult road to walk and more people need to understand that. If only it is as simple as relaxing and waving our legs in the air post-sex.
But it’s not.
For those of us who have gone through seemingly endless procedures, had our vajayjay poked and prodded, been told that normal conception is virtually impossible, the anguish is real. The depression is real. The pain is both physical and emotional.
Unfortunately and fortunately, talking openly about this has shown us who are the people we can trust and lean on in difficult times. Call me Little Miss Cynical but over the past year, I have found myself being ruthless about friendships. It became obvious to us that while some friends were truly keepers, others were not and we haven’t been overly sentimental about retaining these friendships. It just came to a point where I felt like I didn’t want to waste my energy on keeping up with those who didn’t take our lives and decisions seriously and who were never there for us.
On the other hand, the year has also helped me to get to know a brand new circle of lovely people, who were offering me support and encouragement during my toughest days. These are friendships that I hope to keep for a long, long time because their comments, tweets and text messages have been an invaluable source of strength to me.
We embarked on our first IVF attempt and it failed and that was that. We picked up the pieces and moved on. I was ready to jump to the next cycle immediately but we decided to switch to KKIVF due to financial reasons. The wait list to get our next cycle done was so long, we had to especially request to have it done by October. It was frustrating but on hindsight, that proved to be our ace card.
We switched off from procreating and decided to live like a carefree couple all over again. We made plans to travel, sought the help of a fengshui master who was highly recommended by my cousin, renovated east end and dedicated ourselves to being the humans of our two cats. I resigned from my job and went into teaching. We found new coffee places to hang out at on weekends.
And then the nugget came along.
We were shocked. Stunned. Gobsmacked. Speechless. Beyond belief.
It took us two years, seven IUIs and one IVF to conceive our little man naturally. It was almost as if the Big Guy Up There was trying to teach us a lesson in patience. Either that or He was rewarding us for our steadfast faith that we will eventually have a family of our own. We are not questioning Him in any case – we love the gift and we are keeping it, thank You very much.
Just like that, my year changed for the better.
I was going to be a mother, like I had hoped. I loved the new job, we fit like a hand in a really sexy satin glove. Husband and I went through Thick and Thin as we had promised in our marriage vows, and emerged better than ever. We survived infertility and the threat of him losing his job towards the end of 2011.
We can live through hell, as long as we have each other.
This year, as we said to each other, is the year where life, as we know it, changes. The little guy will join us in March and we will embark on a whole new adventure. There’s going to be some tough times ahead but I’ll bet my bottom dollar that the sweet moments will make any of that bad stuff look tiny and pathetic in comparison.
Wish us luck!
Off we go!

6 thoughts on “Of ups and downs”

  1. I am so glad you talked about this. It took me reaching my 40’s to start being ruthless about friendship. I started questioning whether these were real friendships at all if every encounter left me nervous and upset. I didn’t need friends who were superficial ostentatious and overly status conscious. It was draining. And they didn’t respect my choices. The unkind comments really hurt me. That’s when I realized that it’s ok that I’m a loner (but not so much because I feel so much of an emotional connection with liked minded women on the interweb)….found myself much happier not to have to deal with the emotional ups and downs. Yeah it’s sad that it’s only when you’re down that you realized who your true friends are. For me it made me appreciate my family members even more. Especially the ones I’m very close to, who didn’t judge and treated me the same no matter what. I am so grateful to them.

    Love that you are so open Yann….your post made me feel like I am not alone. I think 2012 will just get happier and happier for you 🙂 Can’t wait for the photos of your cutie.


  2. Isn’t life always an enigma? When you actually don’t pine or plan for things, they fall nicely into place and proceeds to surprise you! Love this post, it really puts a closure to your roller-coaster turn of events in 2011, and in fact, seemed to have toughen you up and strengthen your guts for more to come. Now onto the new challenges and uncharted territories of 2012!


  3. 2012 is going to be the year for you guys and its gonna be great! I know you are going to be a great mother! All the best and good luck for the birth and your upcoming ‘new’ life of being a mother! Looking forward to you joining me in the world of motherhood! See you on the other side. 🙂 xo


  4. Thanks y’all. 🙂 You’ve all been so kind.

    bookjunkie: you are so right, family members are truly the ones who will accept you for who you are, warts and all. 🙂 I must remember not to take them for granted!

    Nat: hee yes, I just HAD to get those Hunter boots!


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