Motherhood, The organised chaos

Somebody fix me, please

I’m afraid that I am broken.

I spent much of Friday in dark thoughts and sobbing with my crying baby, who just could not stay asleep, no matter what I did. In the end, I cuddled him and he slept on my chest for two hours.

And then I headed over to the in-laws’ for dinner and all it took was thoughtless and insensitive words spoken and the waterworks begun all over again. I hid in the bathroom as tears rolled down my cheeks. I needed help and I texted the first person I could think of: my godsister.

When I came home, I headed straight for the bathroom and continued sobbing.

Something’s clearly broken inside me and I need to put myself back together again.

I’m afraid that like Humpty Dumpty, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put me together again.

But I will be fine.

This, too, shall pass.

21 thoughts on “Somebody fix me, please”

  1. Yann, I’m a silent reader of your blog and want to tell you that I’m so happy for you, that you have a beautiful son after a long journey. You will pull through this and I hope someone who knows you personally, either your hubby, girlfriends or anybody whom you can trust and love you, will help you through these seemingly low moments. I’m not sure what sort of help you need/can get, but please do get the help you need, and you will emerge stronger to be Aidan’s fab mummy! Happy 1st Mothers’ Day in advance!

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  2. u’re not broken, just going thru a tough time, mostly on ur own… which makes it feel a lot worse. and u’re probably taking it better than i will, cos i would have lost my temper at dinner instead of going off to sob.

    thanks for all the barang and the company today… we had a good time and hope u did too 🙂 just got home, with 6 of those lint rollers. hahaha!

    and one more thing…. happy mother’s day in advance 🙂

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  3. Hey Gorgeous, you’re definitely not broken.. it’s just a patch that you are going through and I know you will ride out of this emerging even stronger. This WILL pass for you and I’m sending happy thoughts and vibes to you! Stay fab and gorgeous as a hot MAMA on your very first Mother’s Day ok?

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  4. Aiyo. *pat pat* I actually don’t know how to comfort you though I have been through this myself. But I am sure you have already figured out a way to make yourself feel better. If not, it’ll be soon. Just hold it together till it passes ok? Do drop me a msg if you need anything from me at all. I know how awful it feels. Stay strong.

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  5. Hi there, I’m a silent reader who comes by regularly. Speaking as someone who had PRE-natal depression with her third pregnancy, and as a friend to someone who had POST-natal depression with her second child, I say there’s no shame in seeking help. In both my friend’s case, as well as mine, the release came in actually giving a name to the way we were feeling. Neither she nor I actually took any medication, nor did we do anything more than go for a couple of sessions with a therapist. You are right – it will pass, with or without help. But knowing that you’re not insane, you’re not weak, you’re not incapable and that you’re not totally useless, but that you have an actual condition, will give you a lot more peace than you know. Just saying, of course. Take care and hang in there. It’s always darkest before dawn.

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  6. u might want to consider getting Aidan a swaddle or even a cradle (yao lan), he may sleep better with them. pacifier?
    *hugs* you will get through this…. hang in there

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  7. Tough day, raw nerves, and argh, sleep deprivation! Terrible combo. But you’ve crawled out of darker times, so you can definitely hack this. You’re definitely not broken. Hugs!

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  8. Do you have any friends that have babies you can hang out with once a week or even find a mother’s group? I’m not sure if you have that in Singapore but I find that going to Mother’s group helps me tremendously. I got really close with another mummy and we hang out and share our sorrows over tea etc. I know its a hassle going out with babies on your own but it does help to get out of the house occasionally. Being a mother is the most toughest job anyone would take on, and the most rewarding. You may not see it now but you eventually will. It really won’t be long before you reap rewards. Pardon me saying but infant stage is the most fustrating period for a new mum but we all get better and more confident as it goes. You’re doing a fantastic job babe, just look at Aidan, he’s growing fabulously! xx

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  9. Dear Yann,
    It saddened me to hear of your struggles with motherhood when you had expressed such elation earlier about falling pregnant. I know that being a new mom is not easy, but I know you will get the hang of it.
    Perhaps you can get some advise from friends or your mom with regard to your baby’s crying habits cos the older folks will usually be able to dispense pearls of wisdom based on their past child rearing experiences.

    Hang in there, cos Aiden is depending on you.

    Gambatte!

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  10. Don’t be afraid to say “i need help!”
    It really is a tough job, and sometimes you look at other mothers and their ever peaceful motherhood and you think, why not me? Why is my son so difficult? Why is he not sleeping? WHy am i feeling like this? Why am i not happy?
    Do know, that you are NOT alone. Never.
    Do not be afraid to seek help.
    Even if it’s asking someone ( a friend , family) to take care of him just for an hour a day.
    You NEED that hour to regain your sanity by sleeping, eating, having a long bath.
    No one will judge you.
    Those who do, they just don’t know how it’s like.
    Take care babe. Feel better soon.

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  11. Hi, I’m a silent reader too. Just wanted to let you know that it’s possible you could have a slight tinge of post-natal depression. It happens to a lot of new mummies (myself included). The thing is, you don’t have to keep suffering on your own. If it is a hormonal imbalance, it can be fixed. Give your gynae’s clinic a call and let him recommend something.

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  12. Actually I don’t know how I ended up in your blog n read this post.

    I moderate a mom’s group on fb.. Every one of 100+ ladies are moms with kids in various stages n they are bloggers. Again I am not sure if u will b comfortable in a group of new people, but we continual to share n encourage each other in our motherhood journey. If u are keen to join, do add me as a friend in Fb, as this is a private group. http://www.facebook.com/rachtll

    Motherhood is not a lonely journey, only if u are willing to take tat step to explore new roads.

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  13. Hi Yann,

    I have a 11-weeks old baby boy going to 12 weeks soon. Like you I am a new and full-time mum, so I can totally understand how you feel. I had also experienced some depression in my earlier weeks while looking after the baby, I am better now. The worse part is my husby is not sleeping in the same bed & room with me as he is afraid he can’t concentrate at work the next day, so night time i have to feed the baby all by myself, even on weekends, he will only come in to help when the baby is wailing terribly. I will cry myself to sleep every night. We are still sleeping in different rooms till now . I am not sure how many more months to go…At 2nd month, I decided to put my baby at my parents’s plc during the day for 1 or 2 days, while I went out for lunch with some mummy colleagues to catch up with them, after hearing from their stories it really make my feel better :). I hope you will be back to your cheery self soon and yes, you are not alone. Take care and have fun 🙂

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  14. I agree about there being no shame about getting help, especially since you know you’re feeling broken. I had undiagnosed postnatal depression when my first daughter was born, and I think it damaged my relationship with her in some ways. Do seek help if you feel you can’t make it on your own, and hang in there.

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  15. I’m a long time reader of your blog, just dropping in to offer moral support like how some bloggers did for me when I was going through the tough initiation into motherhood. My trial by fire was made worse when friends around me with bubs born around the same time (1 week older) were such textbook / easy babies.

    Plenty of advice have been offered above, just wanted to let you know I understand what you are going through 200%.

    This.will pass.

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