The organised chaos

Hello again.

So. I wish I have a fantastic reason for not writing but the truth is, I have none. Well, I do have a reason for my tardiness and it’s called Life.

The past month has been sheer madness for me. My colleague went on maternity leave and I took over one of her subjects. The adjunct lecturer dropped out suddenly and I found myself grading 91 scripts and clocking in additional hours in class. In fact, I had been bringing work home to grade since the Christmas break and I have only just cleared part of it last week. And then there was a whole bunch of logistics and admin stuff to deal with.

And sleep! Ah, the precious commodity that cannot be bought. The little man’s sleep has been downright horrendous – we are talking five to eight wakings per night at its peak. It’s always something: teething, mental leap, separation anxiety, whatever and ever. I’m so bloody tired!

In fact, I was so exhausted that I left my car parked without pulling the handbrake up and did not even see the pedestrian crossing the road until husband pointed it out to me. Oops.

Sleep. Well, I am considering sleep training but we’ll have to do it after his current developmental transition, probably after his first birthday.

Speaking of birthdays, my baby is turning one! Say, what? WUD. I’ve been so swamped and tired that I haven’t really done anything about it but I do know how we will be celebrating it.

One. Oh my. I’m astonished at how time has flown by.

The semester is ending in three weeks’ time and all I can say is, YEEEAHHHHHHHH.

In the meantime, I am relying on java and teh-si. See y’all soon.


10 months of Aidan

Dear Aidan,

In your first minutes outside of my womb, time seemed to stand still. My mind was whirling crazily as I processed your cries, your father’s words of joy, the doctors and nurses’ fervent congratulations. I heard it all and yet I heard none of it. You were here, you were finally here and the mix of feelings churning within me were nothing that I had ever experienced.

During those months when it was just you and me in the harsh light of the day, time seemed to move so slowly. Over and over again, I found myself doing the same thing: putting you to sleep, attending to my own personal needs in those short periods when you finally nodded off, hearing you wake up in despondence, feeding you, changing your diapers. I wondered if this is all that parenthood entailed and felt lost.

And when you started smiling and babbling to me, time seemed to move so quickly. The incoherent noises that you made soon evolved to disjointed syllables, which then became many syllables strung together. Those chubby legs kicking in the air soon flipped and are now busy scuttling here and there.

Time is flying by so very fast.

Once upon a time, I felt a teeny bit sad that you are not a girl. I had so wanted to have a girly child to mother. But now that you are here, I cannot imagine life with you.

You are Mama’s darling boy, Mama’s cheeky monkey, Mama’s favorite boy, Mama’s little boo boo. You are everything Mama had ever wanted in a child and more.

At 10 months old, your personality is showing more and more. You are a joyful little being, always waking up with a smile amid that tousled hair. And the gleeful laughter when you spy the cats skulking in the house! It’s so infectious and like a bright ray of sunlight in our grey, adult world. You love music and almost always calm down when I sing to you. Everything is a drum to you, yes, even Mama’s chest.

And you are most definitely a people person. Your favourite thing to do when somebody unfamiliar is carrying you is to examine them in great detail. Sometimes, you even wave to strangers who are trying their darnest not to look at you (they are so Singaporean, so shy).

Right now, I am reveling in your littleness. I love to cuddle you and carry you in my arms and kiss those irresistibly soft cheeks. I love that you are our baby now because I know that you will be a baby no longer.

Yes, time is flying by and soon, you will turn one. Before long, we will be dealing with toddler tantrums, adolescent angst. Then in a blink of an eye, you will be flying the coop and starting a family of your own.

But no, I shall not think about that. I am not thinking about what pre-school to enroll you in, how to get you into a good primary school, what sort of enrichment classes to send you to.

No. I’m enjoying today, the present, and bottling up the babyhood memories of you. And I hope that one day, if you ever read this, you will realise just how much I love you.


Two of Us

13, going on 14

Dear husband,

And just like that, we have spent 13 years of our lives together.

As Shakespeare said, the course of true love never did run smooth. If so, then man, our love has to be the truest of the true. Because somehow, the Universe always throws us a hurdle or curveball or two, and is all TAH-DAH, YOU SUCKERS.

Despite all the challenges that we had faced throughout our years together, I have never regretted putting my hand into yours that night on the Benjamin Sheares Bridge as we crossed into the new millennium, light flares and fireworks illuminating the dark sky. Not once, not even when we were faced with joblessness, lack of money, lack of direction.

And yet, as we entered parenthood, I found myself flirting with the idea of how my life would have been had I turned into another direction during our cobbled walk down the path of life.

In all honesty, being the mother of your child is one of the most pressurising hats that I have ever put on. There were moments when I absolutely hated it. Don’t get me wrong, I love you and I love my child. But it’s not easy being the womb that birthed the only grandchild in the family. It wasn’t something I had signed up for when I married you, I certainly did not envision marrying the rest of your family as well when I said “I do”.

It doesn’t help that our marriage has also taken a backseat to parenthood. We are always tired, constantly changing diapers, making sure that the little man is happy and clean and fed and entertained. But we forget that we need to make time for each other too. As much as he is growing and blossoming, so should our marriage. We need to drag out even the smallest bit of effort in order to make this work.

13 is the luckiest number? Perhaps so, in our case. We were blessed with the child that we have always longed for and he is everything that we had imagined and more.

But what’s better than 13? Why, 14, of course!

Love you always.

Aidan, Motherhood

While you were sleeping

The past few weeks have been really, really tough.

Oddly enough, the little man refused to let daddy put him to bed. All he wanted was MAMA. Never mind that Mr Thick has been the one getting him to sleep all this while, he’d cry buckets until I step into the room and pull him into my arms.

Magically, all that drama and fussiness disappeared the moment we went back to work and to our normal routine. I am guessing that the two weeks we had spent together, 24/7, had exacerbated what little separation anxiety he had.

The multiple wakings, however, still persist, and we find ourselves soothing him every other hour.

And so, I found myself nursing him in his room, cradling his little body and willing him to calm down.

Will he remember that I snuggled with him close to my chest?
Will he remember that I had rained kisses upon his forehead?
Will he remember that I had stroked his head?
Will he remember that I was the one to ease his discomfort?
Will he remember that I was all that he needed when he was crying in the dark?

Probably not.

But in those moments, I remember that he won’t be so little anymore. I remember that he won’t be needing me to comfort him in the night soon. I remember that he will not be a baby for long.

And so I continue to hold him tightly by the light of the moon.


I have decided that I will continue writing on this space. Plain and simple, I write because I love to. I love the little community that I have here. The little man will continue to feature here but the potentially sensitive and more intimate/personal posts will probably be locked.

In the meantime, I have started using the Day One app to record down moments and memories that are dear to me. It’s a gorgeous app and I have Lucian to thank for the recommendation.