Letters to, Zac

Seven months of Zac

Dear Zac,

Late as usual, I know. It’s not that I don’t love you or care less about your milestones, it’s just that the time seems to fly by so much faster when mama has two littles in the house.

Every day and every evening zips past us ever so quickly. You wake up at 530am, 6am and fuss, I nurse you and then you fall back asleep. Sometimes you wake up at 7, sometimes 8. And then I watch as you roll around the bed and try to bat at the IP camera. On some mornings, you just would not let me sleep. You’d roll up right next to my face and thump your fists on my cheeks or on my body. When you see that I am finally awake and ready to play, you break into a gummy smile and kick your arms and legs like crazy.

It is the cutest thing in the world, seeing those limbs of yours move so vigorously.

And come evening, we’d all have dinner together. You, my little chubster, DEMOLISH FOOD. You are So. Good. At. It. We’ve been working on baby led weaning with you as well and you are excellent at sticking the food into your mouth and gumming everything off. Sometimes, you even cry in frustration, because WHERE DID THE FOOD GO? Oh, it’s dropped into the space between you and the high chair, bubba. And when we are just a wee bit slow in spooning the yogurt into your mouth, you get all sassy with us with that OY PAPA! cry.

Thankfully, we seem to have put all the illnesses behind us. Both you and Aidan have been well for a while now and let’s hope you stay that way. It helps that Aidan’s immunity is probably strengthened by the assaults from the bugs and he’s not falling sick as much. You are also bigger and so are your airways.

You have no clue how hard it was when you two were taking turns to fall sick. It felt like we could never catch a break and it was so exhausting, between medicating and nebulising the two of you, and heading to the paediatrician’s. And it breaks our hearts whenever we see you coughing till you turn red or having problems breathing because of a stuffy nose.

You were so little when you fell ill and yet look at you, all sturdy and strong. In fact, you put on 1kg in one month and the doctor was marvelling at your progress. I’m just glad that we have put all that behind us now. Please don’t scare your parents like that ever again, mmmkay?

Okay bubbie, I gotta go. You are crying in your sleep and papa’s gone in to soothe you. Mama’s pretty tired from all those night wakings (and late online shopping). I’ll go in and sleep and then you’ll wake me up, I’ll put you back to sleep and then hey, it’s 6am. And then we wake up, prepare to leave the house and then I say goodbye to you for a good 10 hours. It breaks my heart sometimes, kissing those bouncy cheeks and walking away, but mama’s gotta do what mama’s gotta do. Hopefully, I’ll eventually find a way to combine all my needs and wants and be able to spend more time with you and your brother.

In the meantime, remember that I’ll always love you, right to the moon and back.

Always,
mama

The organised chaos

On turning 34

So I turned 34 a week ago. It was completely uneventful, except for the fact that I was ghastly ill.

I was hit by a pretty nasty case of mastitis. I know, I know, seven months on and I still can be down with mastitis. And it was bad because I was felt really, really awful. It was like all the energy had been sapped out of me and I could not walk for more than 10 steps without seeing stars. I almost fainted outside the clinic, and the doctor told me to head straight to the hospital if I did not feel better soon.

But it’s okay. I got better, thankfully, and I am pretty much back to normal now.

And so yes, 34.

It isn’t much different from being 33, really.

Probably what’s changed is that I am slowly turning into the snail with the itchy foot. I long to see the world beyond the rock.

We shall see how the next year fares. There are still many things I hope to achieve on the work front and I am very happy where I am. Sometimes I feel doubtful of my abilities, I don’t know if I am doing well, but I also realise that this is symptomatic of the life that I have always had – being someone who is both suffering from low self-esteem and yet nonchalant at the same time. As in, I don’t think too highly of myself and I don’t really give a damn. Makes sense?

Hopefully this is the year I grow up and see me for what I can do.

And may this year be the year I learn to harness patience in dealing with my boys, gentleness with my husband and kindness to the rest of the world.

Just the other day, I gasped in horror to husband, “Oh my gosh I am turning 34!” And he replied coolly, without missing a beat, “Only 34?!”

Love this chap. He’s kind of funny, I think.

So happy birthday, me. May you learn to love yourself.