Most wonderful time of the year

And just like that, December has descended upon us.

I love December, I really do. There’s so much to look forward to. Christmas, New Year’s, our anniversary. Taking time off from work to catch up with our friends. Family gatherings. Time to cook!

This year, I am feeling especially hopeful and excited and pensive, all at the same time. I know, what a strange mix, isn’t it.

The truth is, this year hasn’t exactly been that great. So many worries and anxieties and stress on the home front. For starters, the littles have been sick more often than not. We have spent most of this year battling colds and coughs and fevers, trying to eliminate phlegm and snotty noses. It was almost as if we were bouncing from illness to illness, with very little recovery time in between. Our paediatrician was mentioning asthma and allergies and respiratory problems. The boys were on meds and puffs and nebulisers. Every other weekend, we found ourselves at a clinic.

It was really tough. And it wasn’t just physically tough, but mentally. Seeing our babies ill is so hard on us emotionally.

Then, there is work. Some days, I feel really torn about what I do. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, but there’s a lot about this job that I detest. To be honest, I often feel as if I am not cut out for public service, I am not the model employee that my company is seeking. Look, let’s just say that administrative work is NOT my strongest suit and yet it is something that is highly valued here. And yet I want to try to bring about change, to help improve the system somewhat.

It also doesn’t help that work leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. Dealing with young people for hours and hours, tackling the mountain of paperwork – I come home feeling drained and then mum guilt sets in because, hey, I expended all my energy on other children, leaving none for my two. How is that a balance? But I suspect that this will be demons that I am constantly fighting in my mind, being the kind of mother that I am (read: wants to handle everything by herself, thank you very much.)

And I feel like I have not been fulfilling what I want to do in life. Maybe it’s an existential crisis but I did wake up one morning thinking, Holy fuck, I am turning 35 and what have I done with my life? I am scared of lying on my deathbed one day, regretting my life.

Thankfully, not all is doom and gloom. It ISN’T. There’s loads to be cheerful about too. Like the fact that we are getting a brand new kitchen! Well, that’s only because our current kitchen is falling apart. Like, it is LITERALLY falling apart. We’d wake up everyday to see little sand particles on our countertop. THE CUPBOARDS ARE FALLING APART! Therefore, a new kitchen is a necessity.

So, yes. December. A time to look back at what I have or have not done. To plan ahead for 2016. And there are plans. I am determined NOT to let life go by just like that, existing day by day.

No, I want to live. And damn it, I am about to hit middle age and whatever dreams I have ever had, I had better start putting them in place. Yes, I had dreams of becoming a mother but that is not ALL. There’s more to who I am and I am trying to figure out how I can turn these dreams and ideas into a solid plan.

Clarity of mind. That shall be my goal for next year.

But in the meantime, I am going to enjoy December and all its cool weather, festivities and joy.