I’m less than two weeks into this new gig but already, the sheer magnitude of motherhood coupled with the fluctuating hormones have already brought me to my knees more than once. Plus, Aidan was warded in the hospital for an additional three nights due to jaundice that was attributed to our different blood types and you can see how this mama turned into a wreck.
I thought I’d just jot this down because I need to tell myself that it’s okay to feel this way, it’s okay to be scared and stressed and worried and anxious. It’s okay to cry, as long as I get back up again.
(And if I don’t, I should seek professional help pronto.)
I miss being pregnant sometimes.
In the days immediately following Aidan’s birth, especially when I was in the hospital, I would get twinges in my tummy. Thinking that it was still my baby in my belly, I would reach down to rub it lovingly, only to be met with soft flesh. And then I would realise that I am no longer pregnant and that my little man is sleeping in the cot next to me.
And I would miss it so.
The bond between a mother and her in-utero baby is so strong. I miss his little kicks and his tiny movements. I miss our little evenings winding down together, him and I.
And I do miss being pregnant, selfishly, because my life hadn’t changed then. I was pregnant and still living my life, and Mr Thick and I were still just a couple.
That’s not to say that I don’t want the little man with me, of course. His cute little milk face, his grunts and yells when trying to take a dump…all these are precious moments that I have kept in my memories. And I am so very glad that he is finally here with us.
I don’t know what the heck I am doing
How many times have I wept in Mr Thick’s arms because I was overwhelmed by the notion of bringing up a child? Do I know what I am doing? Hell, NO.
Then there are questions like do I have enough milk supply for Aidan? Am I doing the right thing in following this routine? Am I screwing up his sleeping patterns by not doing so?
All I have is this sleeping-pooping-feeding little creature who cannot give me feedback on whether I am doing the right thing. Of course, he is all but 11 days old and I cannot expect anything much from him now.
Thank goodness for husband then, who has been nothing but a pillar of support. He rouses during my night feeds to tell me what a fabulous job I am doing and he always, always makes me feel better whenever the waterworks are turned on.
I am grateful for my mother’s help
I know, I know, I was all I don’t want any confinement help. But truth be told, it has been awesome having someone around the house in the day. I don’t necessarily follow nor believe in all the confinement rules and sometimes, I do stuff like bathing with herbs and drinking fish soup for breakfast just to make mom happy.
But it’s been great knowing that I don’t have to worry about chores and meals. And that if I need a sanity break, to sleep or to shower, I can rely on my mom. I am going to miss her when the month is over and she goes back to being my nephew’s caregiver. I predict that I will be spending many an afternoon at her place.
I am not a very nice person to be around now
Just the other day, I almost lost my temper with my in-laws and mother. I had just put Aidan down for a nap and he was still fussing slightly when the in-laws arrived and the three parentals started chatting loudly. They then came into the room and gushed over him at their normal volumes.
I got mad.
My arm was tired from patting him to sleep, he hadn’t slept well in the morning and I was hoping he would make up for it with the nap. When I tried to shh them and explain that he had just fallen asleep, my mother-in-law told me that it was good for Aidan to get used to loud noises when he slept. Which wasn’t wrong but when you are sleep deprived and anxious about your baby, that wasn’t going to go down well. And to make matters worse, Aidan started stirring and woke up right after the in-laws left.
I felt so guilty the entire day, wondering who was this grouchy, horrible person. And it made me want to cry, again.
So no, motherhood hasn’t been all peaches and roses and full of beautiful glow. On the contrary, I am sweaty, tired, in need of a haircut and falling to pieces sometimes. But the little moments are to be savored and these, together with the wonderful support of fellow mamas (like my friends P, Yuling and Squirt) are the timber that keeps the flame going and going.